By Dan Balserak ’08
Columnist

My friend’s recent citation for public urination while on a callback, along with my own checkered past, got me to thinking: what would be the most ballin’ arrests to have on a Bar application? Then I realized that I need to sort this out now, because I don’t have much time left, and I better get started.

10. Soliciting Prostitution. When the character and fitness committee (CFC) sees this on an application, they think, this guy is firm material. No wife, no family, not even half an hour spent at a dive bar to pick up a high school girl/college chick/partner’s wife—he’d rather bill another hour and shell out some pocket change for five furious minutes in the driver’s seat. Stellar work ethic. Pareto optimal. Sign him up.

9. Public Intoxication. Okay, I’ll admit that this one is a bit bland, but I’m biased here. My, uh, friend (a different one) is going to be a great lawyer, and he’s been written up for this several times. My reasoning is this: if you’re drunk in public, then you aren’t drunk on the job, and hence you pose no liability to the firm. This is a responsible, even a selfless, choice. (Quick aside—DUIs are so passé.)

8. Vehicular Manslaughter. Never mind the blood on his hands (or his car)—the man gets to work on time.

7. Providing Alcohol to Minors. He who agrees to provide alcohol to minors displays respect and admiration for the budding legal mind that sees a way around a law and takes it, however artlessly. Sophistication will come with time. Until then, drinking at a healthy clip will imbue the lad with the sense of recklessness required to wield it well. So in a way, when you provide alcohol to minors, you aren’t just doing one good deed for today—you’re planting a seed that will bear sweet fruit tomorrow. No really, I’m serious. This is important.

6. Cruelty to Animals. The powerful exploiting the weak and defenseless for their own personal gain and amusement—this is really what the practice of law is all about. When you’ve been convicted of cruelty to animals, you can rest easy that you won’t be mistaken for some chump saddled with nebulous moral commitments. You’re a certified realist. This is decidedly more flattering to have on your resume than bestiality, because what if the animal actually likes that, you sick bastard.

5. Insurance Fraud. My street-pissing friend tells a halfway-believable tale from his home state about a guy who bought a $100,000 boat, then rented a backhoe to bury it in his backyard so he could collect the insurance. He got caught when his wife ratted him out. Two morals of the story: 1) insurance fraud displays the sort of creative, resourceful thinking the Bar wants to see (hiding a boat under the ground?!), and 2) the well-rounded lawyer sticks to #10.

4. Arson. Arson is just straight-up ruthless. When the firm is handling a hostile takeover, they don’t want to send Atticus Finch. They don’t want someone to go shoot the dog; they want someone to burn it at the damn stake. They want motherf’in Keyser Soze. Also, if you’ve got arson on your record, the CFC can be pretty sure you know how to dispose of incriminating evidence.

3. Possession (coke). An oldie but goodie—almost as passé or cliché as a DUI, but still on the list if only in honor of M&A superstar and role model Patrick Bateman. I mean, I hear most big-time lawyers can’t even form sentences unless they’re a gram deep. With this on your record, the CFC knows you’re just one of the boys. Or girls. Even better, actually, if you’re a girl, because the partners will always have some on hand and can probably extort sexual favors from you with it.

2. Possession with Intent to Distribute (anything). This shows a partnership-level ability to recruit and retain a solid client base. Well, at least the intent to do so. The Bar wants pro-active go-getters, and even if your motivation to go and get is solely to maintain your burgeoning coke habit or to settle your debt with that pimp, it’s something to hang your hat on.

1. Indecent Exposure. He’s a risk-taker, willing to act on instinct rather than wait cautiously for a sure thing. Seeks out the fight instead of waiting for it to come to him; lays it on the line and gets business done. This is also a yardstick for confidence—is this applicant the guy who wears his shorts in the locker room shower? Hell no, he’s an indecent exposer. He walks tall.

Bonus Round—Worst Arrests:

3. Possession (pot). Damn hippie.

2. Soliciting Sex from a Minor. You should go into politics.

1. Larceny. Idiot, that’s what the firm is for.

Email: deb7d@virginia.edu