By Chris Mincher '11
Columnist

The inauguration of a new president is exciting. So exciting that cable news channels have to dedicate weeks of coverage to it, with in-depth explanation of how one swears on a Bible and guests competing to see who could use the word “historic” more times in a sentence. More important, however, is the new leadership of the Cabinet, which experienced a significantly expanded role under President Bush. Originally a collection of advisors, the Cabinet is now where the country’s most important decisions are made, usually while the giggling president plays paddleball and spins the propeller on his multi-colored beanie.

The average American doesn’t know the names of these officials, or the names of their

departments, or even what the word “department” means. But, as law students, we must be aware of the ideologies behind our government’s bloated bureaucracies if we are to ruthlessly exploit and manipulate them to best suit our personal objectives. As an uncannily connected political insider, I’ve provided important analysis of Barack Obama’s Cabinet choices.

Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton

After New York Sen. Hillary Clinton lost to Barack Obama in the primaries, she got back to work on policies that matter most to her, specifically, her policy of not liking Barack Obama. Her nomination as Secretary of State is part of a deal where Obama receives her support, and she gets to feel like she didn’t spend $40 million on one big ego trip.

Pros: Diplomacy will require Clinton to frequently travel abroad, where Obama won’t have to deal with her.

Cons: She will personally murder Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Robert Byrd so that she becomes president.

Secretary of the Treasury: Timothy Geithner

Federal Reserve Bank of New York president Timothy Geithner is an obvious choice to lead the Treasury Department during economically troubled times. After all, everyone knows that the most prudent financial planners these days are bank officials.

Pros: As a former Treasury official, helped resolve economic crises in Brazil, South Korea, Mexico, Indonesia, and Thailand.

Cons: As a former Treasury official, helped cause economic crises in Brazil, South Korea, Mexico, Indonesia, and Thailand.

Attorney General: Eric Holder

As Barack Obama’s legal advisor, Holder promises to end government torture and warrantless surveillance of U.S. citizens. Unfortunately, his opposition is less staunch on the issue of his own mustache.

Pros: General curiosity about what it is like to be waterboarded will fade.

Cons: Billy Dee Williams too old to play him in film.

Secretary of the Interior: Ken Salazar

Colorado Senator Ken Salazar aims to reestablish legitimacy at the Department of the Interior, criticized under Bush for its controversial “War on Endangered Species” and scandals involving coke-fueled orgies in National Park cabins. But environmentalists are skeptical of Salazar’s ties to industrial interests, shown in his support for turning Carlsbad Caverns into the world’s largest coal mine.

Pros: Will end program of liquefying polar bears for biofuel.

Cons: Would allow oil companies to “search for new aquatic life forms” off-shore by drilling for them.

Secretary of Agriculture: Tom Vilsack

Former Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack ran against Obama for the presidential nomination; luckily for Vilsack, Obama, like the rest of the country, didn’t realize it. Now up for Secretary of Agriculture, Vilsack is opposed by organic farmers who decry his support for genetically modified crops.

Pros: Dull, uninteresting personality well-suited to agriculture-related position.

Cons: Policies will result in mutant vegetables forming a collective, hyper-intelligent conscience and plotting the downfall of humanity.

Secretary of Labor: Hilda Solis

California Rep. Hilda Solis’ nomination has alarmed business with strong support of organized labor; she has already contacted Obama’s other nominees about the possibility of forming an Executive Cabinet Secretaries’ Union.

Pros: Unlike many in the United States, is currently employed.

Cons: Members of Congress who don’t sign on to her proposals will have their kneecaps shattered by disguised assailants.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Tom Daschle

Although South Dakota rejected former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle in 2004, his selection as HHS Secretary confirms a fundamental truth about America: It does not care what South Dakotans think. Since leaving office, Daschle has been a “special policy advisor,” or, as it says on his business cards, “special policy advisor *cough cough* lobbyist *cough*.”

Pros: Would use government to increase health-care coverage.

Cons: Consumers would have to make sizeable campaign contributions to get it.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Shaun Donovan

If confirmed, Shaun Donovan may not need to leave his job as head of the New York Department of Housing Preservation and Development: The housing-bubble burst has left so much cheap real estate availabile that HUD Secretary is being made a part-time job.

Pros: Massive influx of luxury condo complexes in metropolitan areas means only city in need of urban development is Cleveland.

Cons: Each of his proposals calls for construction of 200-square-foot, $1,300-a-month efficiencies

Secretary of Transportation: Ray LaHood

Rep. Ray LaHood is an unlikely choice for Transportation Secretary, as he has no background in transportation issues and opposed regulation of carbon emissions from automobiles. However, the Illinois Congressman did pay Obama $5 million for the position, so.

Pros: Has long, extensive experience of having a driver’s license.

Cons: Drives a double-decker Hummer powered by radioactive waste.

Secretary of Energy: Steven Chu

Wouldn’t it be fun to have some genius Berkley professor who figured out how to trap atoms with lasers be Energy Secretary? It totally would.

Pros: The Nobel-Prize-winning experimental physicist can power the Northeast solely with wires attached to his brain.

Cons: His constant goofing around with a laser pointer at Cabinet meetings may be disruptive.

Secretary of Education: Arne Duncan

A former professional basketball player—you Rhode Island Gulls fans out there know what I’m talking about—Arne Duncan currently runs Chicago’s public school system, balancing crackdowns on underperforming programs with street-ball showdowns against poor kids.

Pros: Will compete with Obama at Cabinet meetings in tossing crumpled paper into the trash can on the other side of the room.

Cons: Inspirational, heartfelt Hallmark Channel movie about him sure to be awful.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Eric Shinseki

Former Army Chief of Staff Shinseki’s major challenge as Secretary of Veterans Affairs will be to constantly explain to people why Veterans Affairs is a Cabinet-level office.

Pros: One of the few military officials to correctly predict that there weren’t enough troops to secure Iraq.

Cons: Hey, veterans, you guys ready for another tour of duty or what?

Secretary of Homeland Security: Janet Napolitano

Arizona governor and alumnus Janet Napolitano is a popular pick for Homeland Security Secretary, though her plan to punish employers of non-U.S. citizens has made her an enemy of the landscaping industry.

Pros: Focus on tougher illegal immigration policies must mean that terrorism issue is finally solved. Phew!

Cons: University of Virginia Law School students expected by parents to be just as successful.

Email: cm7fa@virginia.edu