Faculty Quotes 9/12/18

C. Jaffe: “There’s no Boy Scout rule in legal ethics.”

F. Schauer: “If you have a theory you don’t like but you don’t know why you don’t like it, call it formalistic.

J.S. Ballenger: “Is it true that Cleveland is a place that people don’t voluntarily choose to live?”

R. Schragger: “What is the only thing more important than freedom? . . . LOVE!”

A. Vollmer: “I’ve never looked at the Trust Indenture Act in my life. I don’t know where it is. I don’t know what it says. But there are those who love it.”

A. Choi: (after asking volunteer a follow-up 5 questions): “See? I’m trying to create a collegial environment

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Around North Grounds 9/12/18

Thumbs down to the new UVa Law email that stole its title from a recurring Law Weekly feature and its content from a recurring SBA email. #honorcode

Thumbs sideways to the FedSoc sign-up table bagels. On the one hand, a “free” bagel to become a member is a goods-for-services trade ANG can get behind. On the other, not providing cream cheese is a blatant violation of the implied covenant of food-enjoyability.

Thumbs up to Stephen T. Parr. For the second year in a row Parr has unleashed his righteous weatherly wrath on the debaucherous spectacle that is Dandelion!

The basilisk under the WB floorboards proclaims “unwavering faith in ANG.” Thank you, Honorable Basilisk. We will get it done together.

Thumbs up to Twitter permanently banning Alex Jones and Infowars, citing abuse. ANG would like to suggest a permanent ban on temperatures above 80F. Similar reasons.

Thumbs sideways to Justice Kennedy’s visit. ANG would vote straight up or down but just doesn’t want to commit right now.

Thumbs up to the 1L at the prison reform event who quoted Jefferson seemingly impromptu. Good on you, lad. With audacious, un-self-aware pretense like that, you’re VLR-bound for sure!

Thumbs down to the Kavanaugh hearings. If ANG wanted four days of televised grandstanding, non-questions, and non-answers, ANG would have turned on C-SPAN literally at any point since its inception in 1979.

Thumbs up to the fall return of primetime television. ANG needs other things to do besides drink at Bilt.

Thumbs down to the new Bachelor pick, Colton Haynes. Watching someone with a moral compass and no shady past find love is less entertaining than Prof. Garrett’s lectures.

Around North Grounds 4/18/18

Congratulations to Desi Linden on being the first American woman to win the Boston Marathon in more than thirty years! And congratulations to Wade Foster ’19 for completing the Boston Marathon in impressive time! Not to brag, but ANG walked to the D3 parking lot the other day...

Thumbs up to Senator Klobuchar (D-MN) raising $17K from her exes for her campaign. ANG wants to fundraise this way, but most of ANG’s exes are celebrities that ANG has never met. 

Thumbs down to how awake Professor Cohen is in the morning. There’s just no need, sir. There is NO NEED.

Thumbs sideways to the UVa Emergency Alert system for warning us about the fire department response to an incident at {{custom_message}}. ANG was {{custom_message}} but then {{custom_message}} so {{custom_message}}.

Thumbs down to the Kardashians for naming their newest progeny “True.” What, was “False” taken? ANG foresees a future in scantron read errors for this child.

Thumbs sideways to attorney–client privilege in the political limelight. On the one hand, ANG’s glad that semester of Prof. Mitchell yelling “rhetorical” accusations at ANG paid off. On the other hand, is it Attorney Client privilege? Or attorney-client privilege? Which–one-is—it?

Spotted: Professor Setear cutting the Spring BBQ food line saying, “The Law Weekly quotes me all the time!”

Thumbs up to visiting Judge Easterbrook’s founding of new Law School band “The Dead Legislators.” ANG for one is excited to wear their new Ann Taylor-brand band shirt!

Thumbs down to the last Law Weekly edition of the year. Have a great summer and see you in hell, 3Ls!!

Faculty Quotes 4/18/18

K. Abraham: "This is the best opinion I've ever seen on it. And it's not because it cites me..."

M. Robinson: "Crazed cat...that's an oxymoron, isn't it? I'm not a cat lover..."

J. Harrison: "In the 19th century, you couldn't call 911. 911 was Colonel Colt."

C. Nicoletti: "I'm very weak and I need a minion."

J. Mahoney: [Regarding government expropriation of private property] "Go big or go home."

G. Cohen: "Subordinates are what many of you are likely to be."

J. Johnston: "Money. Money money money money money money."

Around North Grounds 2/28/18

Thumbs up to the conclusion of the Olympics. ANG is still glorying in Team USA’s gold medal in curling. Take that, Canada! Even in your traditional domains of dominance--uselessness and ice sports--America has triumphed!

Thumbs down to dangling prepositions. They are something up with which ANG will not put.

Thumbs sideways to the start of Spring Softball. ANG missed the smell of freshly cut grass but is still recovering from sliding into home face first… during a warm up… for another team. #playhardorgohome

Thumbs up to Spring Break starting at the end of the week. ANG is excited to go to the Monster Truck rally in Arkansas with Prof. Mitchell. His loyalty rewards card certainly made ANG’s dream financially reasonable!

Thumbs down to Feb Club being over. A week ago ANG was “festive” and “collegial,” but now ANG is just “dressed in ridiculous outfits” and “drinking alone every night."

Thumbs up to the impending dog show ANG will be judging in Spies Garden after Spring Break. #spreadtherumor #allthepuppies

Thumbs sideways to Steve Harvey feeling he’s finally “off the hook” for Miss America after that Oscars mix-up in 2017. On the one hand, is he though? On the other hand, ANG’s hopeful that in six months’ time, ANG can finally be off the hook those things ANG did at Bilt last August.

Thumbs up to Libel’s theme: “Libel’s Angels.” ANG is really happy Libel is pursuing such a feminist storyline where women kick butt . . . at the behest of an unidentified man. Whatever, drinking tickets are $15 so ANG isn’t protesting too hard.

Congratulations to the Olympic Athletes from Russia for their gold medal in men’s hockey, the country’s greatest victory since the 2016 election!


Faculty Quotes 2/28/18

J. Harrison: “The concept of wrongful death invites the concept of rightful death, but I’ll say no more.”

C. Nelson: “I will now make the mistake of fully analyzing that joke, stripping it all of all its humor.”

A. Bamzai: “I wanted to join the Association of Irritated Residents this morning when the City of Charlottesville shut off my water.”

K. Kordana: "You should join my evil cabal. Anyone else have an evil plot?"

M. Gilbert: "Lots of things that are totally irrelevant to a person's ability to govern affect the outcomes of elections. For example, when was the last time you saw a woman president?"

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Around North Grounds 2/14/18

Thumbs sideways to Valentine’s Day. While that annual reminder of the acute pain of loneliness isn’t what ANG needed for the new semester, ANG really looks forward to those February 15th candy deals.

Thumbs up to the Olympics! ANG would like to petition the Olympic Committee to include “Sitting in a WB classroom without a sweater” in the next Winter Olympics. 

Thumbs down to Z Society rising above and not engaging in the blood feud ANG is trying to build. 

Thumbs up to Mirai Nagasu for making Herstory and becoming the first American woman to land a triple axel at the Olympics! Meanwhile in the OAR, that’s the prerequisite to entering kindergarten. 

Thumbs up to Cavalier Basketball. Somehow we are still number 1! Somehow we are still number 1!

Thumbs down to the comparisons of Kim Yo-jong and Ivanka Trump . . . ANG hates it when certain news organizations (*cough* CNN *cough*) make ANG say it, but #fakenews.

Thumbs up to the new official portraits of Michelle and Barack Obama. ANG’s own portrait (in the vein of Dean Spies’ snow leopard fur cape) is scheduled for public unveiling “when you become a Dean of this University, ANG, please stop emailing us about this.”

Thumbs sideways to the British tourists accused of “pornographic dancing” in Cambodia. On the one hand, ANG defers to the legislative authority of laws within their jurisdiction. On the other hand, ANG now lives in fear of ANG’s actions at Das Klub coming back to haunt ANG.

Thumbs up to Jamaica’s dance entrance to the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony. ANG would like to propose that professors take note. Nelson? A cool dance intro to Legislation? All the excitement statutory interpretation ever needed! 

Faculty Quotes 2/14/18

K. Kordana: “A friend of mine had a baby at Sibley hospital and when I went to see them, I asked to see the audit records . . But I was treated like some kind of freak!”

M. Robinson: “You’ve got one male spouse, one female spouse, and a lot of little, whaddaya call ‘em, spouselets? There’s more than 50 shades of gray here!”  

A. Coughlin: “Oh em gee, the curtilage!” 

S. Prakash: "Do people know about string cheese? I first found out about it in Scouts, I was amazed."

C. Nelson: "But you can't falsify a fish. And you can't make a false entry in a fish. Indeed, you can't even make a true entry in a fish."

A.E.D. Howard: "I lie a lot."

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Around North Grounds 2/7/18

Thumbs up to the Super Bowl. ANG still isn’t sure who won, but the riots in Philadelphia were pretty good.

Thumbs up to those 1L journal tryouts coming down the pipe. The snakes ANG keeps under the WB floorboards feed off 1L anxiety, and have been growing a little hangry since the break.

Thumbs sideways to ANG being cast in the Libel Show. On the one hand, ANG loves to perform, on the other hand, ANG was counting on getting ANG’s own trailer. 

Thumbs up to Kylie Jenner announcing the birth of her baby girl during the Super Bowl to avoid extraneous press. However, ANG has a Google alert on all of the Kardashians and was able to ‘keep up’ at the same pace that the Pats failed to present a defense. 

Thumbs down to United Airlines for refusing to allow ANG’s emotional support peacock to board ANG’s plane. ANG is considering seeking an injunction requiring United to purchase ANG another emotional support peacock. Two emotional support peacocks are better than one.

Thumbs up to the tax cut. Sure, the Dow’s down ten percent and ANG can’t pay for ANG’s health insurance anymore, but the $1.50-and-a-box-of-Twinkies per week raise ANG gets now are pretty sweet.

Thumbs down to the recent spate of Amtrak crashes and derailments throughout the region. ANG was supposed to have a monopoly on trainwrecks.

Thumbs up to the “ice pellets” this past weekend. ANG always wanted weather that both sounds like a gourmet dog food and causes physical pain.

Thumbs down to the groundhog seeing his shadow. Again. Couldn’t you just close your eyes or something, Phil? ANG does it all the time in morning classes.

Thumbs up to Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) and #TheMemo! ANG sent a copy to Joe Fore to show him that ANG’s memo wasn’t “the worst memo in the history of memos.”


Faculty Quotes 2/7/18

K. Kordana: “Next time someone says that to you, yell ‘it’s a fallacy!’ Don’t start by explaining – first just condemn them.” 

J. Setear: “In Sherwood v. Walker, one has to wonder if the cow was pregnant before and gave three calves up for adoption so the farmer never knew.”

N. Woolhandler: "Is this Ms. [Toccara] Nelson? I get so many emails from you! I finally get to meet you!"

A. Coughlin: “The Law Weekly may tell, but I won’t.”

K. Abraham: “I have explanations for everything.”  

A. Bamzai: “It’s kind of a stupid question, so I’ll just answer it.”

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Around North Grounds 1/31/18

Thumbs down to no bus to Barrister’s. Thumbs up to ANG’s new career as an Uber driver. Even Cravath can’t match that sweet 679% surge.

Thumbs up to Feb Club starting this week. ANG prepares more for this annual test of endurance than most (all) final exams—and ANG’s GPA proves it. 

Thumbs down to whoever keeps filling in the sudokus in the Law Weekly and putting it back on the stand. You may think you’re being green, but you’re actually just a jerk.

Thumbs up to Libel Auditions this week. ANG is confident that ANG will finally be cast due to ANG’s investment in a lusty-gallant red woolen suit and complimentary ruff and rapier. ANG feels certain that a good Shakespearean sonnet recitation is just the tone the Libel Show is looking for. 

Thumbs up to the typo, (“State of the Uniom”) written on the State of the Union tickets. ANG has been trying to convince professors for years that typos in exams are okay. If Congress can get away with it, ANG should be able to, too!  

Thumbs up to the professor in Slaughter using an overhead. Yeah—an actual overhead! ANG hasn’t felt this sort of historical reverence for a professor since ANG found out Professor Bonnie was born in the 19th Century!

Thumbs down to the weather recently. ANG refuses to go to school when the temperature is less than ANG’s age. Since ANG gave up math for life upon getting into law school, ANG can’t be sure of ANG’s actual age and is therefore just gonna stay in bed until further notice, just to be safe. 

Thumbs up to midway toast for 2Ls. Realize while it looks like you’ve aged five years, it’s only been a year and a half. 

Thumbs up to the universe casting Tom Hanks to play the late Mister Rogers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. ANG needs as many supplementary father figures as ANG can get. Professor Abraham, any way you get involved in production? Maybe calmly explaining insurance between film segments?

Faculty Quotes 1/31/18

R. Hynes: “Don’t worry, I won’t keep you guys over today. I’ll wait until Feb Club is in full swing to do that.”

M. Robinson: “Most of you probably qualify as nerds.”

J. Harrison: “I remember when everything was harvest gold and the walls were avocado, and I remember thinking, ‘Dear God, when will the 70s end, and when will I get better hair?’”

J. Setear: [explaining the jurisdiction of the Albemarle, Charlottesville and UVa Police] "So if you are underage drinking, there are three distinct police forces who will do absolutely nothing."

P. Mahoney: "You'd write them a strongly worded letter telling them to go jump in a lake."

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Around North Grounds 1/24/18

On behalf of the Student Body, the Law Weekly accepts the return of the (broken) RFK bust as a sign of surrender from the Z Society. Mystically, ANG.

Thumbs down to the Super Bowl match-up. Speaking of shitholes, ANG can’t believe ANG has to choose between rooting for Philadelphia and the literal devils, but here we are. Yawn.

Thumbs down to new, ‘Good Harvest’ food in ScoCo. ANG depended on students’ tasteless, disappointed throw-aways to live. Doesn’t that mean anything to anyone? Shame on the food service department for making this change, and shame on Steven T. Parr for enabling them.

ANG gathers from general conversation that grades have yet to be posted. ANG just realized something terrible: we all forgot to email Dean Dugas to remind him to post the grades. Quick everyone, do your duty! Send Dean Dugas an email today! Remember to sign, “best-[your name in all lowercase].”

All kidding aside, ANG doesn’t know whose fault the failure to post grades is, so ANG will default to blaming the Law School’s most culpable subject: thumbs down to President Steven Glendon. 

Thumbs up to Netflix releasing all of these brand new seasons of television just in time for the new semester. ANG needed something to watch in the library now that all those pesky undergrads have finally cleared of ANG’s favorite pretend-to-do-work tables.

Thumbs down to NBC executives refusing to tell loyal fans how #jackdies in This is Us. ANG hasn’t cried this much watching a show since Grey’s Anatomy. And Game of Thrones. And Sesame Street. ANG actually just cries a lot.

Thumbs up to sharks. Sharks are ANG’s favorite animal. Anyone who doesn’t like sharks is clearly a person of moral turpitude. No, ANG doesn’t have anyone specifically in mind, why do you ask?

Thumbs down to the Kardashians. ANG hasn’t been keeping up. 


Faculty Quotes 1/24/18

M. Gilbert: “According to the attendance policy, you have to attend 80 percent of the classes. And now you gotta ask yourself, is he a rules guy or a standards guy?”

E. Kitch: “Hello… well good bye I guess. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and have a good rest of your lives.”

J. Mahoney: “Have you ever wondered about the history of the Internal Revenue Code?”

Student: I have a million questions. D.  Brown: I’ll take seven. 

Armacost: [to student]  “What’s wrong with your face? Don’t put that in the Law Weekly!” 

D. Oliar: "And the squirt gun. One of the largest menaces to humanity."

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Around North Grounds 11/29/17

Thumbs down to the Z Society’s casual email to “Ms. Goluboff.” It is Dean, Queen, or GTFO. Mystically, ANG.

Thumbs sideways to Time Magazine calling to say ANG was PROBABLY going to be named “Newspaper Figure (Person) of the Year,” like last year. ANG says probably is no good and will take a pass. Thanks anyway!

Congratulations to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle on their recently announced engagement! ANG knows accepting the American, biracial bride is a big step for the royal family, but the biggest of all is letting a royal marry a divorcee. King Edward VIII and Princess Margaret would be bloody pissed. 

Annual reminder to recycle! Otherwise, VELF on a Shelf (the tiny VELF water bottle that watches you from trash cans) will tell Santa to put you on the Naughty List. 

Thumbs sideways to the lack of 1Ls in the library. ANG, of course, has never been to the library, but ANG’s studious friends tell ANG it has become a pleasantly stress-free place in the 1Ls’ absence. But these 1Ls know about OGI and, like, grades, right? KDon, you told them about OGI, didn’t you? KDon?!

Thumbs up to eggnog season. As the Law Weekly’s eggnog correspondent, ANG has faithfully tested all the eggnog around and can reliably report that Turkey Hill is the best brand-name eggnog, while the stuff in the glass bottle at Kroger is the best overall. It’s a smooth cocktail of eggs, nutmeg, and...well ANG isn’t really sure what else is in eggnog, but trust ANG, this stuff is the knees of bees, as the kids say.

Thumbs sideways to Netflix’s Godless. ANG appreciates Netflix proudly marketing a female-driven Western that is too good to skip, but maybe next time, could we NOT have 73% of the dialogue delivered by men?

Thumbs up to the National Dog Show, but more importantly to the Law School Dog Show, which will be occurring Spring 2018 in Spies Garden! #spreadtherumor



Faculty Quotes 11/29/17

C. Jaffe: “Oh, mom! Always blaming mom. Never a good way to go.”

E. Kitch: “[Discussing Jordan v. Duff and Phelps] Jordan, you bastard. That traitor. We helped you start your career, you ungrateful sonofabitch.”

J. Mahoney: “Yachting appears to be the pastime for the idle rich - and the busy rich, for that matter.”

 G. Rutherglen: “It’s the first time I made money from a book. It was called Get What’s Yours and it taught me how to claim social security benefits, . . . and now I’m grandfathered in!”

J. G. Hylton: “I think [Paperchase] is the best law school movie ever made… Even better than Legally Blonde.”

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Around North Grounds 11/15/17


Thumbs up to Breitbart for uncovering the Washington Post’s tactics for gathering research, interviewing witnesses, and taking their time to gain permission from the subjects before publishing. Us in the business call these tactics “investigative journalism.” 

Thumbs down to adults destroying their Keurig machines after the company pulled advertising from Fox News. Maybe it’s ANG’s addiction to coffee speaking, but ANG thinks the only thing stupider is thinking that a 14 year old can give consent to a 30 year old. 

Thumbs up to Amazon buying the rights to bring Gilmore Girls back for another revival--a tri-vival? Whatever it is, whenever it is, ANG will follow where you lead. 

Thumbs down to Stephen T. “Mindseye” Parr for Daylight Savings time and this accursed darkness. ANG had been feeling okay about Parr given the lovely autumn weather, but this dark-at-5-o’clock business has ANG remembering all of Parr’s misdeeds, especially last winter’s lack of snow and the rain for Foxfield this year. Get it together, Parr!

Thumbs up to all the people predicting more intense Thanksgiving conversations about politics. ANG, for one, is happy that ANG’s marital status, alcoholism, and membership in vampire societies won’t be the ONLY topics of intense, uncomfortable disagreement. 

Thumbs down to a certain professor calling ANG “old” when ANG would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, ANG tries so hard to be his friend--and maybe someday that will happen!

Pour one out for Notre Dame (“and Georgia, haha.” -Goldman, C.J.) ANG feels for ya. Especially because ANG now has to hear from people who once had a two-hour layover in Miami about what big Hurricane fans they are. 

Thumbs up to everyone who saw the equine outline on p. 6 and thought of zebras, not horses. #fascinoma, folks!


Faculty Quotes 11/15/17

D. Oliar: [Discussing New Kids on the Block] “Anyone who followed them knew that Jordan was the cutest.” 

J.C. Jeffries, Jr.: “Who here has taken Legislation? Caleb Nelson? Well he’s a brilliant young man and I’d take anything he taught me, but I’ve always been somewhat skeptical that it’s actually a topic.”

D. Brown: “[Discussing Washington v. Gladstone] I’m only letting my daughter apply to colleges where she can buy pot illegally.”

P. Grossi: “Computer’s are gonna kill us all; we don’t have to worry about Trump.

K. Kordana: “Harvard has $230 billion in the bank and hasn’t blown it all. I sure would have. Spend it on a party.”

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Around North Grounds 11/8/17

ANG can’t believe ANG’s saying this, but two thumbs up to SBA President Steven Glendon. Glendon finally made good on his pledge to supply the Law School with Duck Donuts, and saved a special one for ANG to boot! Out of gratitude for this sugary emolument, ANG is shredding the forthcoming Law Weekly investigation into Glendon’s corrupt finances and electoral collusion with Darden. 

In light of the Saudi Royal purge, ANG would like to announce that, as part of ANG’s corruption probe, Editor-in-Chief Jenna Goldman and Managing Editor Eric Hall have been removed from power and are currently confined in the Omni Hotel. ANG has no further comment at this time. 

Thumbs up to the UVa football team for earning bowl eligibility this weekend. ANG is sorry ANG missed it; ANG was making another valiant stab at the MPRE. Eighth time’s the charm!

Thumbs sideways to the end of Daylight Savings. Maybe that jerk of a bartender at Virg will stop giving ANG shit for it being “a little early for shots.”

Thumbs up to Shalane Flanagan becoming the first woman to win the NYC Marathon since 1977. ANG was going to run, but still isn’t clear on how many trips to MyLab make a marathon. Is it 5K? How many Ks is it? Do they have donuts?

Thumbs down to PILA being over. ANG realizes that time to buy those fall semester textbooks is quickly dwindling. 

Thumbs up to Professor Garrett’s chair lecture on Friday. ANG previewed it last week, and don’t worry, after revisions, it is fewer than 100,000 slides!

Thumbs down to President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. ANG has long admired the koi fish of Japan’s imperial palace; Trump and Abe’s reckless overfeeding of these majestic aquatic beasts threatens to set back years of Japanese imperial fish management. ANG hopes that His Imperial Majesty Emperor Akihito will step in and right this wrong. 


Faculty Quotes 11/8/17

J. G. Hylton: “Dueling, as it turns out, was not nearly as dangerous as people in our time imagine – tell that to Alexander Hamilton, right?” 

K. Kordana: “ yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s right, yeah, yeah that’s right, yeah yeah right.”

D. Brown: “It’s ok to be dating and driving around with a drug dealer. It’s not a good life choice, but it’s not illegal.” 

A. Deeks: “I wish my name was ‘Stellar Wind.’”

J. Mahoney: “You may think I’m heartless because I take the mailers with cute animals in distress and throw them in the trash.”

F. Schauer: “Groundhogs are adorable. This I take to be non-controversial.” 

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