Around North Grounds 11/29/17

Thumbs down to the Z Society’s casual email to “Ms. Goluboff.” It is Dean, Queen, or GTFO. Mystically, ANG.

Thumbs sideways to Time Magazine calling to say ANG was PROBABLY going to be named “Newspaper Figure (Person) of the Year,” like last year. ANG says probably is no good and will take a pass. Thanks anyway!

Congratulations to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle on their recently announced engagement! ANG knows accepting the American, biracial bride is a big step for the royal family, but the biggest of all is letting a royal marry a divorcee. King Edward VIII and Princess Margaret would be bloody pissed. 

Annual reminder to recycle! Otherwise, VELF on a Shelf (the tiny VELF water bottle that watches you from trash cans) will tell Santa to put you on the Naughty List. 

Thumbs sideways to the lack of 1Ls in the library. ANG, of course, has never been to the library, but ANG’s studious friends tell ANG it has become a pleasantly stress-free place in the 1Ls’ absence. But these 1Ls know about OGI and, like, grades, right? KDon, you told them about OGI, didn’t you? KDon?!

Thumbs up to eggnog season. As the Law Weekly’s eggnog correspondent, ANG has faithfully tested all the eggnog around and can reliably report that Turkey Hill is the best brand-name eggnog, while the stuff in the glass bottle at Kroger is the best overall. It’s a smooth cocktail of eggs, nutmeg, and...well ANG isn’t really sure what else is in eggnog, but trust ANG, this stuff is the knees of bees, as the kids say.

Thumbs sideways to Netflix’s Godless. ANG appreciates Netflix proudly marketing a female-driven Western that is too good to skip, but maybe next time, could we NOT have 73% of the dialogue delivered by men?

Thumbs up to the National Dog Show, but more importantly to the Law School Dog Show, which will be occurring Spring 2018 in Spies Garden! #spreadtherumor

 

 

Faculty Quotes 11/29/17

C. Jaffe: “Oh, mom! Always blaming mom. Never a good way to go.”

E. Kitch: “[Discussing Jordan v. Duff and Phelps] Jordan, you bastard. That traitor. We helped you start your career, you ungrateful sonofabitch.”

J. Mahoney: “Yachting appears to be the pastime for the idle rich - and the busy rich, for that matter.”

 G. Rutherglen: “It’s the first time I made money from a book. It was called Get What’s Yours and it taught me how to claim social security benefits, . . . and now I’m grandfathered in!”

J. G. Hylton: “I think [Paperchase] is the best law school movie ever made… Even better than Legally Blonde.”

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Around North Grounds 11/15/17

 

Thumbs up to Breitbart for uncovering the Washington Post’s tactics for gathering research, interviewing witnesses, and taking their time to gain permission from the subjects before publishing. Us in the business call these tactics “investigative journalism.” 

Thumbs down to adults destroying their Keurig machines after the company pulled advertising from Fox News. Maybe it’s ANG’s addiction to coffee speaking, but ANG thinks the only thing stupider is thinking that a 14 year old can give consent to a 30 year old. 

Thumbs up to Amazon buying the rights to bring Gilmore Girls back for another revival--a tri-vival? Whatever it is, whenever it is, ANG will follow where you lead. 

Thumbs down to Stephen T. “Mindseye” Parr for Daylight Savings time and this accursed darkness. ANG had been feeling okay about Parr given the lovely autumn weather, but this dark-at-5-o’clock business has ANG remembering all of Parr’s misdeeds, especially last winter’s lack of snow and the rain for Foxfield this year. Get it together, Parr!

Thumbs up to all the people predicting more intense Thanksgiving conversations about politics. ANG, for one, is happy that ANG’s marital status, alcoholism, and membership in vampire societies won’t be the ONLY topics of intense, uncomfortable disagreement. 

Thumbs down to a certain professor calling ANG “old” when ANG would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, ANG tries so hard to be his friend--and maybe someday that will happen!

Pour one out for Notre Dame (“and Georgia, haha.” -Goldman, C.J.) ANG feels for ya. Especially because ANG now has to hear from people who once had a two-hour layover in Miami about what big Hurricane fans they are. 

Thumbs up to everyone who saw the equine outline on p. 6 and thought of zebras, not horses. #fascinoma, folks!

 

Faculty Quotes 11/15/17

D. Oliar: [Discussing New Kids on the Block] “Anyone who followed them knew that Jordan was the cutest.” 

J.C. Jeffries, Jr.: “Who here has taken Legislation? Caleb Nelson? Well he’s a brilliant young man and I’d take anything he taught me, but I’ve always been somewhat skeptical that it’s actually a topic.”

D. Brown: “[Discussing Washington v. Gladstone] I’m only letting my daughter apply to colleges where she can buy pot illegally.”

P. Grossi: “Computer’s are gonna kill us all; we don’t have to worry about Trump.

K. Kordana: “Harvard has $230 billion in the bank and hasn’t blown it all. I sure would have. Spend it on a party.”

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Around North Grounds 11/8/17

ANG can’t believe ANG’s saying this, but two thumbs up to SBA President Steven Glendon. Glendon finally made good on his pledge to supply the Law School with Duck Donuts, and saved a special one for ANG to boot! Out of gratitude for this sugary emolument, ANG is shredding the forthcoming Law Weekly investigation into Glendon’s corrupt finances and electoral collusion with Darden. 

In light of the Saudi Royal purge, ANG would like to announce that, as part of ANG’s corruption probe, Editor-in-Chief Jenna Goldman and Managing Editor Eric Hall have been removed from power and are currently confined in the Omni Hotel. ANG has no further comment at this time. 

Thumbs up to the UVa football team for earning bowl eligibility this weekend. ANG is sorry ANG missed it; ANG was making another valiant stab at the MPRE. Eighth time’s the charm!

Thumbs sideways to the end of Daylight Savings. Maybe that jerk of a bartender at Virg will stop giving ANG shit for it being “a little early for shots.”

Thumbs up to Shalane Flanagan becoming the first woman to win the NYC Marathon since 1977. ANG was going to run, but still isn’t clear on how many trips to MyLab make a marathon. Is it 5K? How many Ks is it? Do they have donuts?

Thumbs down to PILA being over. ANG realizes that time to buy those fall semester textbooks is quickly dwindling. 

Thumbs up to Professor Garrett’s chair lecture on Friday. ANG previewed it last week, and don’t worry, after revisions, it is fewer than 100,000 slides!

Thumbs down to President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. ANG has long admired the koi fish of Japan’s imperial palace; Trump and Abe’s reckless overfeeding of these majestic aquatic beasts threatens to set back years of Japanese imperial fish management. ANG hopes that His Imperial Majesty Emperor Akihito will step in and right this wrong. 

 

Faculty Quotes 11/8/17

J. G. Hylton: “Dueling, as it turns out, was not nearly as dangerous as people in our time imagine – tell that to Alexander Hamilton, right?” 

K. Kordana: “ yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s right, yeah, yeah that’s right, yeah yeah right.”

D. Brown: “It’s ok to be dating and driving around with a drug dealer. It’s not a good life choice, but it’s not illegal.” 

A. Deeks: “I wish my name was ‘Stellar Wind.’”

J. Mahoney: “You may think I’m heartless because I take the mailers with cute animals in distress and throw them in the trash.”

F. Schauer: “Groundhogs are adorable. This I take to be non-controversial.” 

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Around North Grounds 11/1/17

ANG Alumni Spotlight. As part of ANG’s efforts to reconnect with alumni, ANG has decided to honor one alum, drawn at random. This year’s honoree is: Robert S. Mueller ’73! Congrats, Robbie. ANG isn’t sure what you’re up to these days, but ANG hopes it’s relaxing and fulfilling!

Thumbs up to all the 1Ls who are still optimistic about the course selection process. ANG, however, asked for eight potential classes and was enrolled in a two-credit hour class that ANG never signed up for… #best-jason

Thumbs down to all the Halloween costumes that didn’t make it through the weekend intact. ANG’s ripped costume was in the trash out of frustration by 9 pm. Then ANG was “kindly” asked to leave because being nude was “unacceptable” at Boylan. 

Thumbs down to the empty punishment for Yuli Gurriel of the Astros. ANG hasn’t been so frustrated with “rules” since the three incomprehensible Con Law slideshows on “rational basis without teeth.” 

Thumbs up to the World Series. ANG is rooting for the Los Angeles Dodgers because of their ancestral connection to Brooklyn. ANG was once arrested for selling black-market fruit snacks on the Brooklyn-bound Q train, and found the jail staff to be pleasantly accommodating. Go Dodgers!

Thumbs down to the $149 ticket fined to a Canadian man for belting out 1990s dance hits in his car. ANG hopes this isn’t reflective of the post-Canadian-invasion society that Kordana has been warning us about.

Thumbs up to the reliably-adorably Halloween Carnival in Spies Garden. ANG feels strongly that wandering toddlers dressed as animals are directly correlated to law school happiness. Also puppies. #lawschoolpuppy2017

ANG’s thoughts go out to the family of Dean Dick Merrill, who passed away of Parkinson’s this week. Merrill served as Dean of the Law School from 1980-’88, and was a renowned expert on administrative law. ANG salutes Dean Merrill’s service to our school. 

Faculty Quotes 11/1/17

F. Schauer: “Those of you silly enough to think you can make an outline for this class—or sillier still, a flowchart—are doomed to fail.”

D. Laycock: “Why are evangelicals so desperate they’re willing to vote for President Grab-’em-by-the-Pussy?”

D. Brown: “The main point is [fades into a whisper as students look at each other frantically.]”

J. G. Hylton: “Well, if any of you are free during the second week of February, I encourage you to attend the International Cartel Workshop in Paris.” 

J. Mahoney: “I view training schools for dogs as more of obedience training for owners than dogs”

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Around North Grounds 10/25/17

Thumbs up to the return of Dean Davies. Jokes aside, ANG is grateful for Davies’ quick recovery and welcomes her return to North Grounds.

Thumbs down to the complete lack of 1L PILA auction donations two weeks out from the auction. ANG’s 1L summer was personally funded entirely by lemonade stands and panhandling, but ANG’s understanding was that this 1L class was planning on the availability of “grants.” 

Thumbs up to the softball playoffs. ANG looks forward to watching the 1Ls’ spirit of togetherness and comity wither and break against the inexorable wall of the NGSL super teams.

Thumbs down to DJ Khaled hiring a tiger for his son Asahd’s first birthday party. Nothing is bad about that, ANG is just jealous. C’mon, Steven Glendon, ANG would actually attend the SBA Socials! 

Thumbs up to two more days until season two of Stranger Things. That means just TWO MORE DAYS until ANG eats all the waffles, disappears, and can only be communicated with via carefully arranged Christmas lights. 

Thumbs down to the Law School administration. This is the fifth consecutive year ANG has requested to be excused from ANG’s Contract’s midterm, and the fourth time Dean Dugas has responded with “lol no. best-jason.” ANG isn’t sure what Dean Dugas was up to the fifth year. (ANG is pretty sure he wasn’t notifying 3Ls that their class lottery was about to open, but ANG digresses.)

Thumbs up to the five living ex-Presidents’ gathering in Texas to raise money for hurricane victims. ANG hopes ANG can one day have the gravitas of Barack Obama, the charm of George W. Bush, the socks of George H.W. Bush, and the longevity of Jimmy Carter. ANG isn’t sure what of Bill Clinton’s ANG would want. 

Congratulations to ANG for selling an advance to ANG’s first memoir. It won’t be a best-seller like Tom Hanks’ 416-page text on typewriters, but maybe ANG’s mom will finally acknowledge ANG in public. 

Faculty Quotes 10/25/17

K. Kordana: “...and they were not P.C. weirdos. People still smoked.”

G. Rutherglen: “Trumped—pardon my language, I hate using that word, but trumped”

J.G. Hylton: My first exposure to the law was in the third grade when my friend Wayne Morris traded his watch for a cookie. It was a very large cookie.

J. Mahoney: “Educational institutions can get 501(c)(3) status, but what about training schools for strippers?”

K. Ferzan: “She better not meet me in the parking lot!”

K. Abraham: “I’m naturally aggressive, anyway, as you know.”

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Around North Grounds 10/18/17

 

Thumbs down to Harvey Weinstein and to all other men in power who have sexually harassed and assaulted women. And a bigger thumbs down to systems that enable and reward men for doing so, like electing them President.

Thumbs sideways to PILA for not giving us drink tickets. ANG knows the event raises money for Public Interest Scholarships, but ANG was under the impression that consumption of alcohol was the main purpose of the auction. ANG is now befuddled.

Thumbs down to the end of Fall Break. After spending 48 straight hours prowling Charlottesville’s vampire bar scene and 32 hours after that sleeping, ANG didn’t feel as chipper as normal in Contracts on Monday.

Thumbs up to Halloween. In the immortal words of Aaron Carter, “I want candy.”

Thumbs down to Trump’s fifteen iterations of trying to pronounce “Puerto Rico.” ANG hasn’t cringed so hard since everyone started trying to use inter alia in class.

Thumbs up to the guy in Florida awarded $37,500 after police mistook glazed doughnut crumbs in his car for meth. ANG was worried about justifying ANG’s daily trip to the new Krispy Kreme. ANG will search no further.

Thumbs down to Putin getting a new puppy. Sorry – PUTIN gets a puppy and ANG doesn’t get one!? WHY.

Thumbs sideways to the 9 days between ANG and the Season 2 premiere of Stranger Things. I mean, at least it’s not Eleven.

Thumbs down to the kickoff of 1L job season. ANG is still self-conscious about having worked as a cruise ship deckhand ANG’s 1L summer, and having all these neurotic 1Ls buzzing about their futures as big shot partners is more than ANG can handle.

Faculty Quotes 10/18/17

J. Hylton: “Is anyone here from Connecticut and versed in pronunciation of Connecticut surnames?

K. Ferzan: “I don’t even know how to drop acid.”

F. Schauer: “The rapper BOB—I don’t know if he pronounces it “Bob”, I have aged out of interest in modern music” 

G. Geis: No! You can’t crush a butterfly!

J. Mahoney: “If you say something loopy in academia, you often get tenure.

K. Abraham: “I don’t want to be a Francophile about this.”

T. Heytens: “My sister’s getting married. It’s her second. But it’s good.”

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Around North Grounds 9/27/17

Thumbs up to the release of Hillary Clinton’s new book. ANG is heartened that, should ANG be defeated in achieving ANG’s dreams, there’s still the possibility of a lucrative book deal. And, anyway, it will never be ANG’s fault.

Thumbs down to Steven Glendon’s continued refusal to accept responsibility for the Russian election hacking scandal. After the betrayal of #GlendonsDonuts2017, ANG hopes Glendon will show a little contrition for his lies and deceit! 

Thumbs up to the reelection of German Chancellor Angela Merkel. ANG expected the Leader of the Free World to be a woman in 2017. ANG was right!

Thumbs down to 1L memo season. ANG doesn’t do much studying, but if ANG did, the presence of loud, socially anxious, would-be SCOTUS clerks in the once-peaceful stacks would be a serious imposition.

Thumbs up to the wonderful little terrier dog things running at Foxfield. Amidst the debauchery of cheap liquor, false bravado, and horrifically bougie hats, ANG is glad that these canine competitors shone forth as the day’s heroes.

Question: if ANG didn’t take a picture with ANG’s closest 53 friends at Foxfield, did ANG even attend Foxfield? Does ANG even HAVE friends? Answer: Apparently, no.

Thumbs down to the sun. ANG didn’t need this full body blistering reminder of pallor. ANG didn’t need it at all.

Thumbs up to JT bringing sexy back in capri-length pants. They were the calves Charlottesville needed, and also the calves we deserved.

Thumbs down to the President picking a fight with the entire NFL. Did the dotard not have anything else to do this weekend? 

 

Faculty Quotes 9/27/17

J. G. Hylton: “I think [Paperchase] is the best law school movie ever made… Even better than Legally Blonde.”

J. Mahoney: “The old ‘I don’t have my wallet on me’ is helpful in lots of situations in life.”

E. Kitch: “Dammit, I’m out of here.”

K. Kordana: “If you’re Stanford, it’s not going to harm the other kids if you have Larry Ellison’s son in the class, no matter how dumb he may be.”

M. Brady:  “Basically Justice Harlan has a bee in his bonnet… wait am I 80, why did I say that?”

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Around North Grounds 9/20/17

Thumbs up to the appointment of James E. Ryan, first in the class of ’92, as UVa’s ninth president! ANG is excited to have a Law School alum as president, but ANG worries this might usher in a new age of respect for gunners, which ANG does not approve of.

Thumbs down to Equifax putting half the population’s sensitive data at risk. ANG would prefer ANG’s student loans stay where no one can see them. Or think about them. Including ANG.

Thumbs down to professors opting out of faculty quotes. All ANG is trying to do is accelerate your achievement of “legend” status . . .  

Thumbs up to Sean Spicer at the Emmys. What a country we live in, where redemption exists even for the most self-debasing of liars!

Thumbs down to a certain president who still hasn’t gotten over winning the election almost a year ago and continues to share inappropriate gifs regarding same. Didn’t your momma teach you good sportsmanship? 

Thumbs up to the Immigration Law Program’s Ice Cream Social yesterday. ANG never realized how interested ANG is in, ah, immigration law. If any other organizations are seeking ANG’s attendance, you know how to get it.

Thumbs down to the ticket scalping laws of the Commonwealth of Virginia. ANG was just trying to make a couple bucks off #Concert4Charlottesville for ANG’s goat-breeding operation, and now ANG will have to check that “have you ever been convicted of a crime.” 

Thumbs up to the Juggalos bringing the Dark Carnival to Trump’s three-ring circus. ANG is already stocking up on Faygo for next year.

ANG extends once more a bouquet of congratulations to Young Helmsman Kim Jong-un on another successful test of intermediate-range strategic ballistic missile Hwasong-12. The bellicose Yankee wig man Trump and his warmonger puppets will surely be humbled by the DPRK’s resolute deterrence force! (ANG’s hands tremble as ANG draws wider and wider circles on a world map.)

 

Faculty Quotes 9/20/17

G. Rutherglen: “If men were angels, there would be no lawyers.”

J.C. Jeffries, Jr.: “Whenever you find a Supreme Court opinion that has part II (i)(g), you’re in trouble.”

K. Kordana: “I wanted better squirrels, less mangey, less hungry, less desperate, but what I got was just more squirrels”

A.Vollmer: “Here are the facts, you would already know them if you read the case, but I’m a realist.”

J. Hylton: “In all of my hypos I have the husband dying first. That’s not some kind of death wish on myself.” 

J. Mahoney: “ So what if you say ‘I think the Girl Scouts border on some paramilitary organization.’”

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Around North Grounds 9/13/17

Thumbs up to Floridians helping each other face Hurricane Irma. While ANG wishes that we didn’t need a natural disaster to come together, ANG loves seeing Floridians being #irmastrong. 

Thumbs down to the Law School administration forcing ANG to repeat Civ Pro yet again. The Law School’s tyrannical insistence that ANG be able to recite and apply this archaic code has prevented ANG from graduating for too long. Three generations of imbeciles are enough! Wait . . . 

Thumbs sideways to scheduling the Concert for Charlottesville for the same day as Foxfield. Sure, ANG is double-booked, but ANG will be moving Side to Side while the 1Ls are still cleaning up at Foxfield.

Thumbs down to the new It movie. If ANG wanted to be terrified, ANG would ask what was living under the floorboards in WB (answer: snakes). 

Thumbs up to the fact that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are back in the public eye with their new books, it really helps hide the fact that Steven Glendon stole the 2016 election. 

Thumbs sideways to Princess Kate’s new pregnancy. While ANG’s chances of being adopted keeps decreasing, ANG’s chances of marrying into the royal family keep increasing. 

Thumbs up to softball starting! ANG has already joined five teams… but like ANG’s teammates, ANG will stop showing up to games as soon as they pass out jerseys. 

Thumbs down to the Rod and Gun club for going on a dove hunt. Seriously? Shooting the symbol of peace in these tumultuous times? If you must shoot something shoot the snakes in WB (Please don’t, guns are not allowed on grounds).

Our hearts go out to the victims on 9/11 and their families. We will never forget. 

Faculty Quotes 9/13/17

K. Kordana: “I don’t believe in what they teach you in LRW stuff, like I always say, ‘Don’t get bogged down in IRAC’”

J.C. Jeffries Jr. : [Discussing the 9th Circuit] “[Summary reversal] is particularly insulting: you were so wrong that we don’t even need to talk about it.”

O.W. Broome Jr.: “That was a great party… they’re now in jail.”

J. Hylton: “I believe there is a common law tradition that the time on the clock on the wall governs.”

B. Spellman: “How many of you are 1Ls? Good, none.”’

A. Vollmer: “What do you do if you are a real American? You sue under the Securities Act!”

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Around North Grounds 9/6/17

Thumbs up to the UVa Football Team winning on Saturday. The only thing that surprises ANG more than the fact that UVa still has a football team is that William& Mary also has a football team. 

Thumbs down to Starbucks for faking out ANG on the start of PSL season. ANG dressed in leggings, Uggs, and a Northface jacket on Sept 1st FOR NOTHING.

Congratulations to Zach Britt and Dan Richardson, EIC of the Virginia Law Review, on their wedding this weekend. ANG hopes there’s an open bar. Best wishes!

Thumbs down to the Virginia Law Review for soliciting student-written articles on current events. That’s ANG’s domain. If VLR wants to start a turf war over half-baked student editorials, it should at least bring pizza.

Thumbs up to Softball Season starting. ANG appreciates watching 1Ls slowly realize gym class is back. 

Thumbs down to Trump nullifying DACA. ANG seriously hopes that The Donald doesn’t think that doing something so petty and cruel will distract the news cycle from Rus- who are we kidding.

Heartest felt congratulations to Dear Respected Comrade Marshal Kim Jong-un on the successful test of the DPRK hydrogen bomb. ANG looks forward earnestly to the destruction of the American aggressors and the eternal victory of Juche Thought. Please don’t touch the law school.

Thumbs down to the approaching Hurricane Irma. ANG will be waiting with bated breath for your emails, Stephen T. Parr.

Thumbs down to Joel Osteen. Refusing to help the homeless and displaced is boring—ANG prefers ANG’s megachurch scandals with hookers and blow. 

 

Faculty Quotes 9/6/17

J. C. Jeffries, Jr.: “That’s what lawyers are paid to do: stand up and say with apparent sincerity things which are preposterous.”

M. Riley: “What do we need to do to get real legal change? That’s right, kill children.”

J. Mahoney: “It’s difficult to say no to a child selling Girl Scout cookies, even to a truculent child.”

R. Hynes: “I’m an academic, so I’m doing what academics do. I’m driving my Subaru and listening to NPR.”

J. Harrison: “You have to wonder how many fires are set by firefighters so they can slide down the pole.”

J. Setear: “Often the standard of review for those types of issues is de novo. What’s the name of that singer...Demi Lodovo...?”

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