Around North Grounds 4/19/17

Thumbs up to the Law Review member who wrote a legal memo to Dean Davies for successor liability regarding the keg. ANG needs you to write a legal memo to the ABA letting ANG graduate with only twenty-three credits.

Thumbs down to the SBA Graduation Committee. ANG has never seen a more complicated set of rules for flip cup, and to be honest, ANG feels cheated out of ANG’s midday beer buzz.

Thumbs up to VJIL for providing mind-nourishing fruit snacks during this difficult time. Whatever journal office is next to VJIL also offers an array of excellent snacks. Though ANG avoids this second office because there are often 2Ls curled up under the pool table, sobbing into their Bluebooks

Thumbs down to the Song Lyrics round of 3L Trivia Night. ANG is not bitter, despite losing to every team besides “I attended 100% of Trivia and 20% of PR.” If you knew the next twelve words of those horrific pop songs, you either have Alex Haden’s despicable taste in music or attend too many Zoom spin classes.   

Thumbs sideways to Trump signing a kid’s hat, then throwing it into the crowd. On the one hand, that’s kind of a jerk move. On the other hand, ANG is glad to see that our Dear Leader has warmed up to wealth redistribution.

Thumbs up to spring in Charlottesville. The sight of dogwood blossoms, the smell of good spring rain, and copious amounts of tree sperm (yeah, that’s what pollen is) all remind ANG of why UVa Law is the best! 

Pour one out for Turkish democracy, 1923-2017. Atatürk’s vision for a secular Turkey was pretty great, ANG will miss it! Not as much as ANG misses Buffalo Wild Wings, but still a good amount.

Thumbs down to taxes being due yesterday. ANG is really hoping that they have conjugal visits in debtors’ prison, because ANG hasn’t filed taxes since that settlement ANG won against the Harris Teeter checkout clerk. 

Congratulations to our graduating staff! We hate to see you go, but we love to watch you leave.

Faculty Quotes 4/19/17

K. Forde-Mazrui: “I didn’t even get interviews with Supreme Court Justices so [pause] eff them”

A. Coughlin: “You wouldn’t have found [the evidence], cause I woulda flushed it down the tubes, which is what toilets are gonna be in the future: tubes. You heard it here first.”

J. Setear: “If you have a basement full of marijuana, you’re probably not going to smoke it all by yourself. Although I am not so sure about this guy who I play pickle ball with.”

J. G. Hylton: “[to students who may become judges] If you want to test the boundaries of cruel and unusual punishment, sentence someone to read all the Supreme Court’s Commerce Clause cases from 1865 to 1888.”

J. Duffy: “The rule is the air-conditioning in my house is turned on, so it’s warm enough to wear seersucker.”

K. Kordana: “The American dream: overalls to overalls in three generations”

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Around North Grounds 4/12/17

Thumbs down to last week’s poorly produced edition of Law Weekly. ANG expects more from ANG’s free newspaper.

Congratulations to ‘Sister Wives’ star Kody Brown potentially finding wife #5. ANG always wants to celebrate finding true love, especially for the suspect class of goatee wearers.

Thumbs down to Uber surcharges last weekend. With Georgetown University Law Center only two hours away, how are there not more Uber drivers available?

Thumbs up to Pepsi for ending racism.

There is speculation that Donald Trump may fire Steve Bannon. Now President Trump may actually have to get a real White House dog.

Thumbs down to undergraduates in the law library. ANG knows who you are with your three-ring binders, calculators, and general sense of happiness. #GetOffOfFacebook

Thumbs up to the Department of the Interior for repealing the ban on using lead bullets. Now ANG can successfully engage in ANG’s favorite activity, shooting deer while simultaneously poisoning streams.

Congratulations to Alabama’s second female governor. ANG is glad to know all it took was years of racism, misogyny, and a really sloppy attempt to cover a long-term affair. #ByeByeBentley

Thumbs up to Judge Neil Gorsuch’s confirmation to the Supreme Court. With the state of the world as it is, ANG is comforted by the fact that a straight white man can still make it to positions of power.

Thumbs up to Sergio Garcia winning the Masters. Like ANG says, “if at first you don’t succeed, wait until the world’s number one injures himself in a freak accident and Tiger Woods’ ex-wife ends his career with a nine iron.” 

Faculty Quotes 4/12/17

R. Schragger: “Your dogs and cats do not care about you. It looks like they love you, but they don’t.”

S. Braga: “I used to have a blue Porsche, but I wasn’t a drug dealer.”

R. Balnave: “Yeah, this is a discussion...If you define that as ‘Balnave can’t stop talking.’”

J.G. Hylton: “You don’t look at Mount Rushmore and say ‘Where’s Chester Arthur?’”

J. Setear: “Vegas is a city that is literally built on the concept that people don’t know how to do math.”

K. Kordana: “We are in the realm of contract law, we can do whatever we want!”

K. Ferzan: “Young children don’t understand the criminal justice system. Neither do many 1L’s.”

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Around North Grounds 4/5/17

Thumbs up to Libel 109! ANG especially identified with the “Back seat baller,” except ANG is not gonna be 180K taller.

Thumbs down to the new rug backstage at Libel. ANG wants to know why they feel the need to cover up the drawing of a spaceship. NASA is still important, mkay?

Thumbs down to Patrick Ewing being Georgetown’s new coach. ANG is shocked that they managed to hire someone less relevant than their basketball team generally. Maybe this year, they will make the tournament. Not the NCAA tournament, the DC-area high school championship tournament.

Thumbs up to the start of LRW oral arguments for 1Ls. Remember, you can’t do as badly as that student who was arrested mid-argument a few years ago. ANG hears that kid still passed LRW though. 

Thumbs up to Melania Trump’s new White House official portrait. ANG also has an official portrait, but it is banned from Facebook and Twitter because it “shocks the conscience.” 

Thumbs up to the Libel Show for advertising hors d'oeuvres every year but actually just serving Goldfish crackers in red cups. The French might thumb their noses, but ANG was thrilled. 

Congrats to Country singer Miranda Lambert on winning her 8th consecutive American Country Music Awards Female vocalist of the year. It must have been so special to have a whole twenty people watching while she won. ANG is the subject of the country music song, “Please Stop Urinating on My Lawn.”

Thumbs up to the 3L Class Agent Pledge Drive. ANG has pledged ANG’s entire net worth, but apparently, LSF saw through that ruse and refused to take on ANG’s debt. 

Thumbs down to April Fools. Apparently the police charges were not a joke and ANG is definitely wanted for arson.

Thumbs up to Gonzaga and UNC for making the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship! ANG doesn’t know what a Gonzaga is, but after ANG’s run-in with UNC campus police last year (apparently public nudity doesn’t count as artistic expression in Chapel Hill), ANG cannot in good conscience support the Tar Heels.

Faculty Quotes 4/5/17

R. Mason: “What does an angel do? Forgive your taxes. It comes at a big price: you have to die, but you were going to do that anyway.”

G.E. White: “Suppose I serve meals to my cats, on fancy platters, while singing a song of my own creation.”

S. Walt: “That’s sort of whiny. That’s begging in an off-putting way. Meow?”

A. Coughlin: Don’t teach your baby the words mama or dada first - their first word should be “lawyer”

K. Kordana: “Brazil’s got a candidate for the Asian Development Bank-- LOL, screw you, you’re not even in Asia.”

J. Setear: “I want to teach a course called “Pirates,” but I’ll probably have to call it “Naval Interdiction Law.”

D. Hellman: “People can have sex all day long.”

 

 

 

Faculty Quotes 3/29/17

K. Ferzan: “Why do all the Admitted Students look like lambs being led to slaughter?”

R. Mason: “It’s somewhere in the [IRS] code...It’s like a treasure hunt except you don’t want any of the treasure.”

J. Cannon: “Is it a caress or a harass of the endangered species?”

K. Kordana: “And here I shed a tear for South American left-wing economic policies.”

F. Schauer: “I don’t want to denigrate liberty; liberty is really nice.”

A. Coughlin: “I’ve been fighting for years to convince people women can be dangerous, I want the equal opportunity to be considered a criminal!”

J. Johnston: “I don’t like to be quoted in [Law Weekly], but I guess you can quote me on that, ‘poopoo’ isn’t a bad word.”

Around North Grounds 3/29/17

Thumbs up to the Libel Show this weekend! Although ANG is confused why Dean Davies signs off on kegs three nights in a row on a Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, but has gotten rid of the Thursday Keg and is raising the ax on Dandelion. #followthekeg #investigativejournalism

Thumbs up to the American Action Network’s ads mistakenly thanking Republican congressmen for repealing Obamacare. Not quite as good as Get Out, but it's a crowded field this year in horror cinema.

Thumbs down to the Virginia Book Festival this weekend. If you are going to kick someone out for showing up plastered and autographing every book in sight as “ANG hates you,” you should have put that on the flyer.

Thumbs up to March Madness. ANG’s section-mates might have picked their brackets based on seed and past performance, but ANG picked based on the mascots and the mascots alone. ANG didn’t pick UNC (what’s a Tar Heel), but ANG has picked the Gamecocks to go all the way. $25 gift card to Sedona, here ANG comes.

Thumbs up to Professor John Norton Moore, Director for the Center for National Security Law and Champion weightlifter of the world in his age class, on his 50th anniversary at the law school. So how many years has he been Dick Cheney’s body double?

Congratulations to Rizzo and Cecil for winning Paw Review, and to for the almost $1,500 raised to support homeless pets. ANG would like to file ANG’s yearly protest that ANG’s Tamagotchi was unfairly excluded. 

Thumbs up to the new RuPaul’s Drag Race season premiere, and especially thumbs up to Nina Bonina Brown for that peach look. ANG also wants to announce that ANG will be the mystery 14th queen.

Thumbs sideways to the new Beauty and the Beast movie. It’s pretty much a wash here. It does seem a little early in Emma Watson’s career to admit that she can’t sing at all. At least Russell Crowe waited until he was 48 to admit that as Javert.

 

Faculty Quotes 3/22/17

M. Doran: “Florida is a malarial swamp and I try to avoid it.”

B. Spencer: “Scalia doesn’t care about the spirit [of the rule]. And now he is a spirit.”

R. Schragger: “Statutes are boring. They make you tired when you look at them. You look at them, and say to yourself, ‘I don’t really need to read this.’”

M. Gilbert: “Preschool teachers spend all their time settling property disputes.”

J. Harrison: “America cares about its flying mammals.”

A. Coughlin: “I can’t teach about Paw Review because it would be a waste of tuition dollars… dollars which should be spent on my Paw Review candidate, Gary.”

M. Doran: “Florida, I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with that state. #giveitbacktoSpain”

Around North Grounds 3/22/17

Thumbs up to Hillary Clinton saying that she is “ready to come out of the woods.” Mrs. Clinton’s absence from the political scene and the hibernation schedule of the American Black Bear closely align, coincidence? ANG thinks not.

Thumbs down to ANG’s detention with Student Affairs. Apparently running through the halls yelling “FRESH MEAT!” is not the way to behave during Admitted Students Open House.

Thumbs up to the Dutch rejecting Geert Wilders, a clownish anti-Muslim politician with a funky blonde hairdo. Good thing America would never make a mistake like that!

Thumbs down to UVa being bounced from the NCAA tourney. Who knew that scoring fewer than 40 points is not a recipe for success? Go Gators. (Direct hate mail to jmg3db@virginia.edu)

Thumbs up to Japanese-American Senator Mazie Hirono’s presence on the Senate Judiciary Committee for making this week’s Supreme Court hearings a “diverse” affair.

Thumbs up to the UVa Law administration for scheduling Admitted Students Open House the same day that 1L LRW briefs were due. Not having 1Ls being able to tell admitted students to run away should raise our yield.

Thumbs down to the U.S. ranking 14th on the list of happiest nations. To be fair, after the last 6 months, we’re lucky to be in the top 20 at all. The top five are all Scandinavian countries, which is confusing because snow?

Thumbs up to Florida-Georgia Line coming to JPJ and showing ANG that real country boys do wear $300 ripped jeans.

Pour one out for Chuck Berry whom Bob Dylan called, “the Shakespeare of rock n’ roll.” Bob Dylan once called ANG “Get the f*ck off my lawn.”

It's that time of year again: Springtime for softball in Charlottesville!

Faculty Quotes 3/15/17

R. Schragger: “It’s like that scene in Legally Blonde, when she kicks ass, and . . . never mind. Moving on.”

J. Harrison: “In California, six people in a bar room can amend the constitution.”

K. Abraham: “What the bold print giveth, the fine print taketh away.” 

K. Ferzan: “I never heard of Everclear before college. Have you?”

J. Setear: “The pandas just came back from a vacation during which they were only supposed to reproduce. Or as you guys called it, ‘college.’”

C. Nelson: “Imagine I set off to commit a drug trafficking crime, which is, of course, how I afford the Lamborghini that I keep on cinder blocks in front of my house.”

J. Dienelt: “I would rather have a root canal than buy a new car.”

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 3/15/17

Thumbs up to Trump finally telling the truth: MICROWAVES ARE SPYING ON US. ANG’s microwave was stalking ANG for years before ANG bought a sledgehammer. ANG is happy to lend that sledgehammer to Trump if he needs it.

Thumbs down to the MPRE and the NYLE this weekend. If ANG wanted to fail standardized tests, ANG would have taken the GRE and gotten into Harvard.

Thumbs up to VLBR on getting the most applicants to the journal! How many journal tryouts does the Editorial Board have to grade again? ANG applied to the Journal of Hard Knocks. ANG did not get on.

Thumbs down to Stephen T. Parr. WHY WON’T YOU CANCEL SCHOOL? AND WHY WON’T YOU RETURN ANG’S PHONE CALLS? LOVE MEEEEEEEEE.

Thumbs down to Spring Break. ANG is now resembling Clifford the Big Red Dog: sunburnt bright red, fifty pounds heavier, and last seen drowning ANG’s sorrows in Purina and toilet water.

Thumbs up to the new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, premiering on March 24th. ANG is still waiting for a winner to surpass Sharon Needles’ status. ANG will still be waiting after this season.

Thumbs down to 1L LRW briefs due this week. ANG reminds you that the covers of your briefs MUST be yellow or green. If you use red or blue covers, you will fail LRW and live the rest of your life as Joe Fore’s personal stylist. Actually, that might not be the worst thing in the world. ANG hears Fore moved to the 180K payscale recently.

Thumbs up to the Admitted Students Open House this week. ANG is looking forward for new souls to conscript into grunt work in ANG’s draconian extracurricular activities. Relatedly, journals are looking for new members too!

Congratulations to the happy couple on the Bachelor! Hopefully Nick and Vanessa’s relationship lasts as long as ANG’s longest relationship. Then again, ANG’s longest relationship is with vodka.

Faculty Quotes 3/1/17

M. Doran: “For the record, I do not like to appear in the Law School newspaper.”

K. Abraham: “It’s arbitrary and doesn’t make a lot of sense, like funerals.”

K. Ferzan: “I have clearly lost my mind.”

C. Nicoletti: “When I say nine months, I mean the gestation period of a human. And don’t ask me about cyborgs.”

K. Kordana: “I’ve got a little pinky toe and an appendix but no wings, so I’m not evolutionarily maxed out.”

R. Schragger: “I’m actually about to buy land in Canada…for obvious reasons.”

F. Schauer: “Have you run into this in your other courses? No? Then you should get your money back.”

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 3/1/17

Pour one out for all the 1Ls reenacting the Walking Dead after journal tryouts, and for all the bright-eyed, optimistic 1Ls about to have their spring breaks ruined.

 

Thumbs up to the new SBA president, Steven Glendon. ANG looks forward to sending you emails about things wrong with this Law School. Like its sobriety standards. Or classes. Is there a way to get rid of those?

 

Thumbs up to ANG for receiving an offer to join PriceWaterhouseCooper as an Oscar vote counter - ANG heard a spot opened up late Sunday night. 

 

Thumbs down to the 1L who Instagrammed his journal tryout. On the bright side, ANG might actually get on a journal this year thanks to you!

 

Thumbs down to Nick Viall for joining his fifth reality TV show. ANG hopes Nick realizes he only gets one dancing partner for the whole season. 

 

Thumbs up to the leakers on Sean Spicer’s staff for leaking the leaks about searching their phones for leaky leaks. This is administration is more porous than ANG’s explanation for not turning in ANG’s LRW brief.

 

Pour one out for ANG, who’s out this week with the sniffles. Who knew healthcare could be this complicated? ANG has to tell you, it’s an unbelievable, complex subject. 

 

Thumbs up to ANG returning to ANG’s tropical timeshare for spring break. Sure, it’s really just the drunk tank in Tijuana, but it’s home. 

 

Thumbs down to Trump for being the first president in 36 years to miss the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.  Who needs a president who tells jokes when your entire administration is one?

 

Pour one out for the end of Feb Club. Now, ANG has to try to fit in with the undergrads again. Good thing that ANG looks 18 years old with all the silicone. Thanks Dr. Oz.

 

Thumbs up to Warren Beatty! Now do the 2016 Election.

Faculty Quotes 2/22/17

 

J. Harrison: My sinuses feel like they’re going to burst, so if they do… Talk about administrative law amongst yourselves.

 

K.. Ferzan: Your prefrontal cortex doesn’t form fully until you’re 25. 

Student: I’m 24. 

Ferzan: It shows.

 

A. Choi: No one uses Yahoo anymore?

 

B. Spellman: Food is just a metaphor for sex... You start and you get aroused and then you can’t stop.

 

C. Nelson: Nelson: You can’t falsify a fish.

J. Setear: Jesus of Nazareth—I don’t know how big of a deal he was when he died. Much bigger deal now. 

 

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 2/22/17

Thumbs down to The Bachelor being approximately 72.6 hours long each week. ANG needs a highlight reel that only lasts as long as ANG’s relationships--excluding ANG’s relationship with vodka, which is going on 42 years.

Thumbs sideways to CPAC uninviting Milo Yiannopoulos over his advocacy for pedophilia. On the one hand, yes, that’s a good reason for disinviting somebody. On the other hand, this was the line?

Thumbs down to journal tryouts this weekend. ANG was hoping for a reason to have no social life for a weekend in order to become a worker bee for a faceless journal conglomerate.

Thumbs up to the SBA/Law Weekly Debate last Monday. ANG was impressed to see almost TWO people who weren’t SBA members/candidates/significant others of candidates. Talk about an informed electorate! The debate was YUGE, the biggest in history.

Thumbs down to Bilt being closed on Valentine’s Day. How will ANG find true love without watered-down whiskey and the sweet bumping rhythms of the upstairs bar?

Thumbs up to Rapture for reminding ANG that seediness is not a preclusion to profitability. 

Thumbs sideways to Das Klub. On the one hand, ANG enjoyed the (higher than normal) amount of DFMO’s. On the other hand, ANG had to take fifty showers to get the filth off of ANG’s soul.

Thumbs down to Trump’s border wall threatening at least 111 endangered species. ANG’s idea of Making America Great Again did not involve deporting all the bald eagles, grey wolves, panthers, and manatees.

Thumbs up to the great weather. ANG is happy that at UVa Law, day drinking at a vineyard is considered an instagrammable activity, rather than proof that ANG is a disappointment to the family.

Pour one out for the tragedy in Sweden. #SwedishIncident #LastNightInSweden #FauxNews. ANG suffered a similar tragedy that will render ANG unable to go to class for the remainder of the year.

Around North Grounds 2/15/17

Thumbs down to the Grammys. The only person that slights Beyonce is nobody. 

Thumbs up to the 9th Circuit. But, to be fair, any normal person with an ounce of political savvy, constitutional knowledge, or basic human decency would have rejected the ban. 

Thumbs up to Valentine’s Day falling on a school night this year so ANG has an excuse to stay home with ANG’s cat instead of eating an overpriced meal with that slightly desperate undergrad ANG matched with on Tinder.  

Thumbs down to the new Fifty Shades Movie. If ANG wanted to be held in suspense ANG would wait for ANG’s grades to come out.

Thumbs up to Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer. Now when does Melissa get to be a guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race????

Thumbs up to the photo booth at Barrister’s Ball. ANG had fun crashing random people’s couple pictures. Again, ANG apologizes for the incident in the photo booth with that one couple. ANG had no idea the champagne bottle would explode so easily. 

Thumbs down to Cee-Lo Green for stealing ANG’s Barrister’s Ball outfit for the Grammys. ANG maintains ANG wore it better.

Thumbs up to the law school band for reminding ANG that the early 2000s was a formative time in ANG’s life. Thumbs down to the law school band for giving us that same reminder 5 times in the last year. 

Thumbs down to Journal Tryout season. A piece of friendly advice: if you show up drunk to the journals’ open houses, they will dislike you and want to punish you by inviting you to join the journal. 

Thumbs up to DJT’s friendship with Shinzo Abe. ANG appreciates the value of friendship; ANG just hopes their break up doesn’t result in Trump banning sushi in America. 

Thumbs down to the attempted robbery on Arlington Blvd. ANG thought that Mind’s Eye and Pav fire alarms were supposed to be the only bad things happening on Arlington.

Faculty Quotes 2/15/17

S. Walt: Oh, I’ve run out of time. I feel like a failure.

M. Doran: I do not recognize the Court of Petty Appeals as a court of competent jurisdiction. 

K. Ferzan: That’s what men do. They blow stuff up.

J. Setear: I love The Economist! But I can’t read it because it’s in British.

G.E. White: We must conclude how much this particular cow resembled a deer.

R. Mason: Lets pick a country at random: Switzerland.

A. Choi: It gets a little lonely up [by the faculty offices] after 5PM. I guess people at UVa leave early.

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 2/8/17

Thumbs down to the upcoming Journal tryout session. Just a word to the wise: attempting to bribe the Law Review member in charge of journal tryouts will not help you get on a journal. In retrospect, perhaps the lesson is, “Don’t bribe people by offering to perform voodoo on their enemies.”

Thumbs up to Barrister’s Ball not being so close to Valentine’s Day this year. Now ANG can celebrate by being kicked out of Rapture at 1AM for stealing assorted glassware twice in the same week.

Thumbs down to Trump’s reading comprehension. ANG has This Weird Trick That Will Put Bernie in the White House: write the order, put it on the Resolute Desk, and scrawl “—XOXO, Steve” on a Post-It. #riggedelection #sanderscanstillwin

Pour one out for the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre, aka the Bowling Green football team. ANG would like to take a moment to remember the 77-10 blowout Bowling Green suffer at the hands of the Ohio State.

Thumbs sideways to the Bachelor, because we really needed another thin-skinned narcissist to love to hate #Corrine #nospoileralerts #CheesePasta

Thumbs down to Feb Club. ANG hasn’t cleared the dance floor at Trinity so effectively since the post-finals party last semester, where ANG was found dancing with a trash can. Well, not so much dancing, as much as putting ANG’s face inside that trash can.

Thumbs up to Lady Gaga winning the Superbowl. ANG hasn’t seen a mic drop that flagrant since Dean Mahoney bolted out of the last day of 1L Contracts to avoid Section C’s questions. To be fair, ANG hasn’t seen someone pull off a silver body suit since Dean Mahoney, either.

Thumbs down to the “so-called” professor that gave ANG an F last semester. It is ridiculous and it will be over-turned!

Thumbs up to Shelia Fredrick for saving a young girl from human trafficking. ANG would like to remind everyone that not all heros wear capes. ANG also would like to remind everyone that even though ANG may be wearing a cape at Bilt, ANG is not a hero.

Faculty Quotes 2/8/17

 

M. Doran: “This is America and in America if someone does something nice for you, you sue.” 

J. Fore: “Have you seen me in the gym? I can do 16 pull-ups.”

K. Ferzan: “You’re all thinking I’m crazy. I am.”

A. Choi: “Screw a certain class [of shareholders]. ‘Screw’ is a very technical term.”

L. Wenger: “In that case, the religious practice would trump state interest… maybe I shouldn’t use that term anymore.”

M. Collins: “These [bars with topless dancing] are GOOD bars! Well, not good bars, but law abiding!”

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!