Faculty Quotes 3/22/17

M. Doran: “Florida is a malarial swamp and I try to avoid it.”

B. Spencer: “Scalia doesn’t care about the spirit [of the rule]. And now he is a spirit.”

R. Schragger: “Statutes are boring. They make you tired when you look at them. You look at them, and say to yourself, ‘I don’t really need to read this.’”

M. Gilbert: “Preschool teachers spend all their time settling property disputes.”

J. Harrison: “America cares about its flying mammals.”

A. Coughlin: “I can’t teach about Paw Review because it would be a waste of tuition dollars… dollars which should be spent on my Paw Review candidate, Gary.”

M. Doran: “Florida, I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with that state. #giveitbacktoSpain”

Around North Grounds 3/22/17

Thumbs up to Hillary Clinton saying that she is “ready to come out of the woods.” Mrs. Clinton’s absence from the political scene and the hibernation schedule of the American Black Bear closely align, coincidence? ANG thinks not.

Thumbs down to ANG’s detention with Student Affairs. Apparently running through the halls yelling “FRESH MEAT!” is not the way to behave during Admitted Students Open House.

Thumbs up to the Dutch rejecting Geert Wilders, a clownish anti-Muslim politician with a funky blonde hairdo. Good thing America would never make a mistake like that!

Thumbs down to UVa being bounced from the NCAA tourney. Who knew that scoring fewer than 40 points is not a recipe for success? Go Gators. (Direct hate mail to jmg3db@virginia.edu)

Thumbs up to Japanese-American Senator Mazie Hirono’s presence on the Senate Judiciary Committee for making this week’s Supreme Court hearings a “diverse” affair.

Thumbs up to the UVa Law administration for scheduling Admitted Students Open House the same day that 1L LRW briefs were due. Not having 1Ls being able to tell admitted students to run away should raise our yield.

Thumbs down to the U.S. ranking 14th on the list of happiest nations. To be fair, after the last 6 months, we’re lucky to be in the top 20 at all. The top five are all Scandinavian countries, which is confusing because snow?

Thumbs up to Florida-Georgia Line coming to JPJ and showing ANG that real country boys do wear $300 ripped jeans.

Pour one out for Chuck Berry whom Bob Dylan called, “the Shakespeare of rock n’ roll.” Bob Dylan once called ANG “Get the f*ck off my lawn.”

It's that time of year again: Springtime for softball in Charlottesville!

Faculty Quotes 3/15/17

R. Schragger: “It’s like that scene in Legally Blonde, when she kicks ass, and . . . never mind. Moving on.”

J. Harrison: “In California, six people in a bar room can amend the constitution.”

K. Abraham: “What the bold print giveth, the fine print taketh away.” 

K. Ferzan: “I never heard of Everclear before college. Have you?”

J. Setear: “The pandas just came back from a vacation during which they were only supposed to reproduce. Or as you guys called it, ‘college.’”

C. Nelson: “Imagine I set off to commit a drug trafficking crime, which is, of course, how I afford the Lamborghini that I keep on cinder blocks in front of my house.”

J. Dienelt: “I would rather have a root canal than buy a new car.”

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 3/15/17

Thumbs up to Trump finally telling the truth: MICROWAVES ARE SPYING ON US. ANG’s microwave was stalking ANG for years before ANG bought a sledgehammer. ANG is happy to lend that sledgehammer to Trump if he needs it.

Thumbs down to the MPRE and the NYLE this weekend. If ANG wanted to fail standardized tests, ANG would have taken the GRE and gotten into Harvard.

Thumbs up to VLBR on getting the most applicants to the journal! How many journal tryouts does the Editorial Board have to grade again? ANG applied to the Journal of Hard Knocks. ANG did not get on.

Thumbs down to Stephen T. Parr. WHY WON’T YOU CANCEL SCHOOL? AND WHY WON’T YOU RETURN ANG’S PHONE CALLS? LOVE MEEEEEEEEE.

Thumbs down to Spring Break. ANG is now resembling Clifford the Big Red Dog: sunburnt bright red, fifty pounds heavier, and last seen drowning ANG’s sorrows in Purina and toilet water.

Thumbs up to the new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, premiering on March 24th. ANG is still waiting for a winner to surpass Sharon Needles’ status. ANG will still be waiting after this season.

Thumbs down to 1L LRW briefs due this week. ANG reminds you that the covers of your briefs MUST be yellow or green. If you use red or blue covers, you will fail LRW and live the rest of your life as Joe Fore’s personal stylist. Actually, that might not be the worst thing in the world. ANG hears Fore moved to the 180K payscale recently.

Thumbs up to the Admitted Students Open House this week. ANG is looking forward for new souls to conscript into grunt work in ANG’s draconian extracurricular activities. Relatedly, journals are looking for new members too!

Congratulations to the happy couple on the Bachelor! Hopefully Nick and Vanessa’s relationship lasts as long as ANG’s longest relationship. Then again, ANG’s longest relationship is with vodka.

Faculty Quotes 3/1/17

M. Doran: “For the record, I do not like to appear in the Law School newspaper.”

K. Abraham: “It’s arbitrary and doesn’t make a lot of sense, like funerals.”

K. Ferzan: “I have clearly lost my mind.”

C. Nicoletti: “When I say nine months, I mean the gestation period of a human. And don’t ask me about cyborgs.”

K. Kordana: “I’ve got a little pinky toe and an appendix but no wings, so I’m not evolutionarily maxed out.”

R. Schragger: “I’m actually about to buy land in Canada…for obvious reasons.”

F. Schauer: “Have you run into this in your other courses? No? Then you should get your money back.”

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 3/1/17

Pour one out for all the 1Ls reenacting the Walking Dead after journal tryouts, and for all the bright-eyed, optimistic 1Ls about to have their spring breaks ruined.

 

Thumbs up to the new SBA president, Steven Glendon. ANG looks forward to sending you emails about things wrong with this Law School. Like its sobriety standards. Or classes. Is there a way to get rid of those?

 

Thumbs up to ANG for receiving an offer to join PriceWaterhouseCooper as an Oscar vote counter - ANG heard a spot opened up late Sunday night. 

 

Thumbs down to the 1L who Instagrammed his journal tryout. On the bright side, ANG might actually get on a journal this year thanks to you!

 

Thumbs down to Nick Viall for joining his fifth reality TV show. ANG hopes Nick realizes he only gets one dancing partner for the whole season. 

 

Thumbs up to the leakers on Sean Spicer’s staff for leaking the leaks about searching their phones for leaky leaks. This is administration is more porous than ANG’s explanation for not turning in ANG’s LRW brief.

 

Pour one out for ANG, who’s out this week with the sniffles. Who knew healthcare could be this complicated? ANG has to tell you, it’s an unbelievable, complex subject. 

 

Thumbs up to ANG returning to ANG’s tropical timeshare for spring break. Sure, it’s really just the drunk tank in Tijuana, but it’s home. 

 

Thumbs down to Trump for being the first president in 36 years to miss the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.  Who needs a president who tells jokes when your entire administration is one?

 

Pour one out for the end of Feb Club. Now, ANG has to try to fit in with the undergrads again. Good thing that ANG looks 18 years old with all the silicone. Thanks Dr. Oz.

 

Thumbs up to Warren Beatty! Now do the 2016 Election.

Faculty Quotes 2/22/17

 

J. Harrison: My sinuses feel like they’re going to burst, so if they do… Talk about administrative law amongst yourselves.

 

K.. Ferzan: Your prefrontal cortex doesn’t form fully until you’re 25. 

Student: I’m 24. 

Ferzan: It shows.

 

A. Choi: No one uses Yahoo anymore?

 

B. Spellman: Food is just a metaphor for sex... You start and you get aroused and then you can’t stop.

 

C. Nelson: Nelson: You can’t falsify a fish.

J. Setear: Jesus of Nazareth—I don’t know how big of a deal he was when he died. Much bigger deal now. 

 

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 2/22/17

Thumbs down to The Bachelor being approximately 72.6 hours long each week. ANG needs a highlight reel that only lasts as long as ANG’s relationships--excluding ANG’s relationship with vodka, which is going on 42 years.

Thumbs sideways to CPAC uninviting Milo Yiannopoulos over his advocacy for pedophilia. On the one hand, yes, that’s a good reason for disinviting somebody. On the other hand, this was the line?

Thumbs down to journal tryouts this weekend. ANG was hoping for a reason to have no social life for a weekend in order to become a worker bee for a faceless journal conglomerate.

Thumbs up to the SBA/Law Weekly Debate last Monday. ANG was impressed to see almost TWO people who weren’t SBA members/candidates/significant others of candidates. Talk about an informed electorate! The debate was YUGE, the biggest in history.

Thumbs down to Bilt being closed on Valentine’s Day. How will ANG find true love without watered-down whiskey and the sweet bumping rhythms of the upstairs bar?

Thumbs up to Rapture for reminding ANG that seediness is not a preclusion to profitability. 

Thumbs sideways to Das Klub. On the one hand, ANG enjoyed the (higher than normal) amount of DFMO’s. On the other hand, ANG had to take fifty showers to get the filth off of ANG’s soul.

Thumbs down to Trump’s border wall threatening at least 111 endangered species. ANG’s idea of Making America Great Again did not involve deporting all the bald eagles, grey wolves, panthers, and manatees.

Thumbs up to the great weather. ANG is happy that at UVa Law, day drinking at a vineyard is considered an instagrammable activity, rather than proof that ANG is a disappointment to the family.

Pour one out for the tragedy in Sweden. #SwedishIncident #LastNightInSweden #FauxNews. ANG suffered a similar tragedy that will render ANG unable to go to class for the remainder of the year.

Around North Grounds 2/15/17

Thumbs down to the Grammys. The only person that slights Beyonce is nobody. 

Thumbs up to the 9th Circuit. But, to be fair, any normal person with an ounce of political savvy, constitutional knowledge, or basic human decency would have rejected the ban. 

Thumbs up to Valentine’s Day falling on a school night this year so ANG has an excuse to stay home with ANG’s cat instead of eating an overpriced meal with that slightly desperate undergrad ANG matched with on Tinder.  

Thumbs down to the new Fifty Shades Movie. If ANG wanted to be held in suspense ANG would wait for ANG’s grades to come out.

Thumbs up to Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer. Now when does Melissa get to be a guest judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race????

Thumbs up to the photo booth at Barrister’s Ball. ANG had fun crashing random people’s couple pictures. Again, ANG apologizes for the incident in the photo booth with that one couple. ANG had no idea the champagne bottle would explode so easily. 

Thumbs down to Cee-Lo Green for stealing ANG’s Barrister’s Ball outfit for the Grammys. ANG maintains ANG wore it better.

Thumbs up to the law school band for reminding ANG that the early 2000s was a formative time in ANG’s life. Thumbs down to the law school band for giving us that same reminder 5 times in the last year. 

Thumbs down to Journal Tryout season. A piece of friendly advice: if you show up drunk to the journals’ open houses, they will dislike you and want to punish you by inviting you to join the journal. 

Thumbs up to DJT’s friendship with Shinzo Abe. ANG appreciates the value of friendship; ANG just hopes their break up doesn’t result in Trump banning sushi in America. 

Thumbs down to the attempted robbery on Arlington Blvd. ANG thought that Mind’s Eye and Pav fire alarms were supposed to be the only bad things happening on Arlington.

Faculty Quotes 2/15/17

S. Walt: Oh, I’ve run out of time. I feel like a failure.

M. Doran: I do not recognize the Court of Petty Appeals as a court of competent jurisdiction. 

K. Ferzan: That’s what men do. They blow stuff up.

J. Setear: I love The Economist! But I can’t read it because it’s in British.

G.E. White: We must conclude how much this particular cow resembled a deer.

R. Mason: Lets pick a country at random: Switzerland.

A. Choi: It gets a little lonely up [by the faculty offices] after 5PM. I guess people at UVa leave early.

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 2/8/17

Thumbs down to the upcoming Journal tryout session. Just a word to the wise: attempting to bribe the Law Review member in charge of journal tryouts will not help you get on a journal. In retrospect, perhaps the lesson is, “Don’t bribe people by offering to perform voodoo on their enemies.”

Thumbs up to Barrister’s Ball not being so close to Valentine’s Day this year. Now ANG can celebrate by being kicked out of Rapture at 1AM for stealing assorted glassware twice in the same week.

Thumbs down to Trump’s reading comprehension. ANG has This Weird Trick That Will Put Bernie in the White House: write the order, put it on the Resolute Desk, and scrawl “—XOXO, Steve” on a Post-It. #riggedelection #sanderscanstillwin

Pour one out for the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre, aka the Bowling Green football team. ANG would like to take a moment to remember the 77-10 blowout Bowling Green suffer at the hands of the Ohio State.

Thumbs sideways to the Bachelor, because we really needed another thin-skinned narcissist to love to hate #Corrine #nospoileralerts #CheesePasta

Thumbs down to Feb Club. ANG hasn’t cleared the dance floor at Trinity so effectively since the post-finals party last semester, where ANG was found dancing with a trash can. Well, not so much dancing, as much as putting ANG’s face inside that trash can.

Thumbs up to Lady Gaga winning the Superbowl. ANG hasn’t seen a mic drop that flagrant since Dean Mahoney bolted out of the last day of 1L Contracts to avoid Section C’s questions. To be fair, ANG hasn’t seen someone pull off a silver body suit since Dean Mahoney, either.

Thumbs down to the “so-called” professor that gave ANG an F last semester. It is ridiculous and it will be over-turned!

Thumbs up to Shelia Fredrick for saving a young girl from human trafficking. ANG would like to remind everyone that not all heros wear capes. ANG also would like to remind everyone that even though ANG may be wearing a cape at Bilt, ANG is not a hero.

Faculty Quotes 2/8/17

 

M. Doran: “This is America and in America if someone does something nice for you, you sue.” 

J. Fore: “Have you seen me in the gym? I can do 16 pull-ups.”

K. Ferzan: “You’re all thinking I’m crazy. I am.”

A. Choi: “Screw a certain class [of shareholders]. ‘Screw’ is a very technical term.”

L. Wenger: “In that case, the religious practice would trump state interest… maybe I shouldn’t use that term anymore.”

M. Collins: “These [bars with topless dancing] are GOOD bars! Well, not good bars, but law abiding!”

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Faculty Quotes 2/1/2017

 

R. Mason: “Tax is the most important class in law school. Others may disagree; they are wrong.”

R. Verkerke: “My ideal version of a law school class would be kind of like a revival meeting. We would shout “Amen!” … that was a purely secular Amen.”

K. Ferzan: “Let’s assume there’s a state--we’ll call it New Jersey--where there’s a lot of corruption.”

G.E. White: “If someone on the other side of the room says “your mother wears combat boots” and you begin to quake, that’s not the reaction of a reasonable person.”

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 2/1/2017

Thumbs up to the Chinese New Year! Roses are red, white is my sock; thank goodness we’re back, in the Year of the Rooster. 

Thumbs down to Barrister’s tickets increasing in price. ANG hasn’t paid this much to drunkenly dance around an ice rink since that unfortunate kid’s birthday party. 

Pour one out for the intern who cowrote the immigration order with Giuliani. What's a good way of spinning “caused a Constitutional crisis in my first week” on a resume?

Thumbs down to the Trumpster Fire that is the first week of Donald Trump’s presidency. Unfortunately, he’s the first president in history to keep his campaign promises. 

Thumbs up to the ACLU fighting back against the Muslim ban. Thanks for putting in more work at the airport than all United Airlines employees combined (but seriously, ACLU, you are keeping this country afloat).

Thumbs up to rogue twitter feeds: AltUSNationalParkService, Rogue NASA, and AltUSForestService. ANG has formed the rogue twitter feed for Dean Goluboff, @RogueRisa.

Congratulations to the new leader of the free world, Angela Merkel!

Thumbs sideways to the new massage chair; on the one hand, that money could probably go to better things, but on the other hand, maybe they got a good bargain? If the Law School has more money to splurge, ANG has lots of ideas. Like armored tanks, or student debt.

Thumbs up to the upcoming SBA elections! ANG loves student democracy almost as much as ANG loves purposefully taking items off the shelves in Harris Teeter and hiding them in the frozen section.

Thumbs down to the Doomsday Clock being pushed forward another thirty seconds. It’s a good thing ANG has a secret bunker under the Law School filled with stale Cheetos, Ukrainian liquor, and a backlog of CoPAs ANG hasn’t read yet.

Faculty Quotes 11/30/2016

J. Johnston: I sat by a guy in shop class in high school who had really long hair. He would take a piece of his hair and make a lasso and catch a fly with it and hold it so that the fly would fly around him in class.

G. White: One thing one ought to do when giving hypotheticals is to make them realistic. Would wolves chase a sleigh? No. Would they want to eat people? No. That’s all I have. 

 J. Dienelt: As you know, this place could have been called the University of Virginia School of Law and Free Food. 

K. Ferzan: Days of Our Lives? Does no one watch soap operas? That’s all I did in law school!

M. Collins: Even if you’re the Supreme Court, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t overturn Judge Learned Hand.

Hear a good Professor Quote? Email editor@lawweekly.org!

Around North Grounds 11/30/2016

Thumbs down to 2016. It started with a gorilla and ended with a guerilla. Who would have thought that we would miss 2015?

Thumbs up to the Gilmore Girls revival. If you spoil anything, ANG will hunt you down and perform an action that does not constitute a threat beause ANG’s lawyers have advised ANG not to make threats anymore.

Thumbs down to delays at Dulles Airport. If ANG wanted it to take thirty-six hours to get home, ANG would have channeled Wild and just walked the Appalachian Trail back to Charlottesville.

Thumbs up to the California State Bar for declining to ban attorney-client sex. If ANG were on a state bar association, ANG would ban boring attorney-client sex. Imagine the discipline hearings.

Thumbs down to the 1L who reported Career Services to Above the Law. ANG recommends wine-ing over whining. Also, LOL to 1Ls thinking they know what long emails are. Talk to ANG next year.

Thumbs up to Black Friday and Cyber Monday for merging and creating one big shopping extravaganza. ANG has now spent three years of anticipated firm bonuses on discounted clothing and electronics.

Thumbs sideways to football. Some teams won, some teams lost, life goes on. ANG’s team also won the Youth Football League’s game over the weekend, but no one is talking about that. Mostly because ANG was cut from the team several months ago for “polite disagreements” with the team’s steroid and alcohol ban.

Thumbs up to Thanksgiving break, but thumbs down to December. How dare you.