Around North Grounds 11/1/17

ANG Alumni Spotlight. As part of ANG’s efforts to reconnect with alumni, ANG has decided to honor one alum, drawn at random. This year’s honoree is: Robert S. Mueller ’73! Congrats, Robbie. ANG isn’t sure what you’re up to these days, but ANG hopes it’s relaxing and fulfilling!

Thumbs up to all the 1Ls who are still optimistic about the course selection process. ANG, however, asked for eight potential classes and was enrolled in a two-credit hour class that ANG never signed up for… #best-jason

Thumbs down to all the Halloween costumes that didn’t make it through the weekend intact. ANG’s ripped costume was in the trash out of frustration by 9 pm. Then ANG was “kindly” asked to leave because being nude was “unacceptable” at Boylan. 

Thumbs down to the empty punishment for Yuli Gurriel of the Astros. ANG hasn’t been so frustrated with “rules” since the three incomprehensible Con Law slideshows on “rational basis without teeth.” 

Thumbs up to the World Series. ANG is rooting for the Los Angeles Dodgers because of their ancestral connection to Brooklyn. ANG was once arrested for selling black-market fruit snacks on the Brooklyn-bound Q train, and found the jail staff to be pleasantly accommodating. Go Dodgers!

Thumbs down to the $149 ticket fined to a Canadian man for belting out 1990s dance hits in his car. ANG hopes this isn’t reflective of the post-Canadian-invasion society that Kordana has been warning us about.

Thumbs up to the reliably-adorably Halloween Carnival in Spies Garden. ANG feels strongly that wandering toddlers dressed as animals are directly correlated to law school happiness. Also puppies. #lawschoolpuppy2017

ANG’s thoughts go out to the family of Dean Dick Merrill, who passed away of Parkinson’s this week. Merrill served as Dean of the Law School from 1980-’88, and was a renowned expert on administrative law. ANG salutes Dean Merrill’s service to our school. 

Faculty Quotes 11/1/17

F. Schauer: “Those of you silly enough to think you can make an outline for this class—or sillier still, a flowchart—are doomed to fail.”

D. Laycock: “Why are evangelicals so desperate they’re willing to vote for President Grab-’em-by-the-Pussy?”

D. Brown: “The main point is [fades into a whisper as students look at each other frantically.]”

J. G. Hylton: “Well, if any of you are free during the second week of February, I encourage you to attend the International Cartel Workshop in Paris.” 

J. Mahoney: “I view training schools for dogs as more of obedience training for owners than dogs”

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Around North Grounds 10/25/17

Thumbs up to the return of Dean Davies. Jokes aside, ANG is grateful for Davies’ quick recovery and welcomes her return to North Grounds.

Thumbs down to the complete lack of 1L PILA auction donations two weeks out from the auction. ANG’s 1L summer was personally funded entirely by lemonade stands and panhandling, but ANG’s understanding was that this 1L class was planning on the availability of “grants.” 

Thumbs up to the softball playoffs. ANG looks forward to watching the 1Ls’ spirit of togetherness and comity wither and break against the inexorable wall of the NGSL super teams.

Thumbs down to DJ Khaled hiring a tiger for his son Asahd’s first birthday party. Nothing is bad about that, ANG is just jealous. C’mon, Steven Glendon, ANG would actually attend the SBA Socials! 

Thumbs up to two more days until season two of Stranger Things. That means just TWO MORE DAYS until ANG eats all the waffles, disappears, and can only be communicated with via carefully arranged Christmas lights. 

Thumbs down to the Law School administration. This is the fifth consecutive year ANG has requested to be excused from ANG’s Contract’s midterm, and the fourth time Dean Dugas has responded with “lol no. best-jason.” ANG isn’t sure what Dean Dugas was up to the fifth year. (ANG is pretty sure he wasn’t notifying 3Ls that their class lottery was about to open, but ANG digresses.)

Thumbs up to the five living ex-Presidents’ gathering in Texas to raise money for hurricane victims. ANG hopes ANG can one day have the gravitas of Barack Obama, the charm of George W. Bush, the socks of George H.W. Bush, and the longevity of Jimmy Carter. ANG isn’t sure what of Bill Clinton’s ANG would want. 

Congratulations to ANG for selling an advance to ANG’s first memoir. It won’t be a best-seller like Tom Hanks’ 416-page text on typewriters, but maybe ANG’s mom will finally acknowledge ANG in public. 

Faculty Quotes 10/25/17

K. Kordana: “...and they were not P.C. weirdos. People still smoked.”

G. Rutherglen: “Trumped—pardon my language, I hate using that word, but trumped”

J.G. Hylton: My first exposure to the law was in the third grade when my friend Wayne Morris traded his watch for a cookie. It was a very large cookie.

J. Mahoney: “Educational institutions can get 501(c)(3) status, but what about training schools for strippers?”

K. Ferzan: “She better not meet me in the parking lot!”

K. Abraham: “I’m naturally aggressive, anyway, as you know.”

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Around North Grounds 10/18/17

 

Thumbs down to Harvey Weinstein and to all other men in power who have sexually harassed and assaulted women. And a bigger thumbs down to systems that enable and reward men for doing so, like electing them President.

Thumbs sideways to PILA for not giving us drink tickets. ANG knows the event raises money for Public Interest Scholarships, but ANG was under the impression that consumption of alcohol was the main purpose of the auction. ANG is now befuddled.

Thumbs down to the end of Fall Break. After spending 48 straight hours prowling Charlottesville’s vampire bar scene and 32 hours after that sleeping, ANG didn’t feel as chipper as normal in Contracts on Monday.

Thumbs up to Halloween. In the immortal words of Aaron Carter, “I want candy.”

Thumbs down to Trump’s fifteen iterations of trying to pronounce “Puerto Rico.” ANG hasn’t cringed so hard since everyone started trying to use inter alia in class.

Thumbs up to the guy in Florida awarded $37,500 after police mistook glazed doughnut crumbs in his car for meth. ANG was worried about justifying ANG’s daily trip to the new Krispy Kreme. ANG will search no further.

Thumbs down to Putin getting a new puppy. Sorry – PUTIN gets a puppy and ANG doesn’t get one!? WHY.

Thumbs sideways to the 9 days between ANG and the Season 2 premiere of Stranger Things. I mean, at least it’s not Eleven.

Thumbs down to the kickoff of 1L job season. ANG is still self-conscious about having worked as a cruise ship deckhand ANG’s 1L summer, and having all these neurotic 1Ls buzzing about their futures as big shot partners is more than ANG can handle.

Faculty Quotes 10/18/17

J. Hylton: “Is anyone here from Connecticut and versed in pronunciation of Connecticut surnames?

K. Ferzan: “I don’t even know how to drop acid.”

F. Schauer: “The rapper BOB—I don’t know if he pronounces it “Bob”, I have aged out of interest in modern music” 

G. Geis: No! You can’t crush a butterfly!

J. Mahoney: “If you say something loopy in academia, you often get tenure.

K. Abraham: “I don’t want to be a Francophile about this.”

T. Heytens: “My sister’s getting married. It’s her second. But it’s good.”

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Around North Grounds 9/27/17

Thumbs up to the release of Hillary Clinton’s new book. ANG is heartened that, should ANG be defeated in achieving ANG’s dreams, there’s still the possibility of a lucrative book deal. And, anyway, it will never be ANG’s fault.

Thumbs down to Steven Glendon’s continued refusal to accept responsibility for the Russian election hacking scandal. After the betrayal of #GlendonsDonuts2017, ANG hopes Glendon will show a little contrition for his lies and deceit! 

Thumbs up to the reelection of German Chancellor Angela Merkel. ANG expected the Leader of the Free World to be a woman in 2017. ANG was right!

Thumbs down to 1L memo season. ANG doesn’t do much studying, but if ANG did, the presence of loud, socially anxious, would-be SCOTUS clerks in the once-peaceful stacks would be a serious imposition.

Thumbs up to the wonderful little terrier dog things running at Foxfield. Amidst the debauchery of cheap liquor, false bravado, and horrifically bougie hats, ANG is glad that these canine competitors shone forth as the day’s heroes.

Question: if ANG didn’t take a picture with ANG’s closest 53 friends at Foxfield, did ANG even attend Foxfield? Does ANG even HAVE friends? Answer: Apparently, no.

Thumbs down to the sun. ANG didn’t need this full body blistering reminder of pallor. ANG didn’t need it at all.

Thumbs up to JT bringing sexy back in capri-length pants. They were the calves Charlottesville needed, and also the calves we deserved.

Thumbs down to the President picking a fight with the entire NFL. Did the dotard not have anything else to do this weekend? 

 

Faculty Quotes 9/27/17

J. G. Hylton: “I think [Paperchase] is the best law school movie ever made… Even better than Legally Blonde.”

J. Mahoney: “The old ‘I don’t have my wallet on me’ is helpful in lots of situations in life.”

E. Kitch: “Dammit, I’m out of here.”

K. Kordana: “If you’re Stanford, it’s not going to harm the other kids if you have Larry Ellison’s son in the class, no matter how dumb he may be.”

M. Brady:  “Basically Justice Harlan has a bee in his bonnet… wait am I 80, why did I say that?”

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Around North Grounds 9/20/17

Thumbs up to the appointment of James E. Ryan, first in the class of ’92, as UVa’s ninth president! ANG is excited to have a Law School alum as president, but ANG worries this might usher in a new age of respect for gunners, which ANG does not approve of.

Thumbs down to Equifax putting half the population’s sensitive data at risk. ANG would prefer ANG’s student loans stay where no one can see them. Or think about them. Including ANG.

Thumbs down to professors opting out of faculty quotes. All ANG is trying to do is accelerate your achievement of “legend” status . . .  

Thumbs up to Sean Spicer at the Emmys. What a country we live in, where redemption exists even for the most self-debasing of liars!

Thumbs down to a certain president who still hasn’t gotten over winning the election almost a year ago and continues to share inappropriate gifs regarding same. Didn’t your momma teach you good sportsmanship? 

Thumbs up to the Immigration Law Program’s Ice Cream Social yesterday. ANG never realized how interested ANG is in, ah, immigration law. If any other organizations are seeking ANG’s attendance, you know how to get it.

Thumbs down to the ticket scalping laws of the Commonwealth of Virginia. ANG was just trying to make a couple bucks off #Concert4Charlottesville for ANG’s goat-breeding operation, and now ANG will have to check that “have you ever been convicted of a crime.” 

Thumbs up to the Juggalos bringing the Dark Carnival to Trump’s three-ring circus. ANG is already stocking up on Faygo for next year.

ANG extends once more a bouquet of congratulations to Young Helmsman Kim Jong-un on another successful test of intermediate-range strategic ballistic missile Hwasong-12. The bellicose Yankee wig man Trump and his warmonger puppets will surely be humbled by the DPRK’s resolute deterrence force! (ANG’s hands tremble as ANG draws wider and wider circles on a world map.)

 

Faculty Quotes 9/20/17

G. Rutherglen: “If men were angels, there would be no lawyers.”

J.C. Jeffries, Jr.: “Whenever you find a Supreme Court opinion that has part II (i)(g), you’re in trouble.”

K. Kordana: “I wanted better squirrels, less mangey, less hungry, less desperate, but what I got was just more squirrels”

A.Vollmer: “Here are the facts, you would already know them if you read the case, but I’m a realist.”

J. Hylton: “In all of my hypos I have the husband dying first. That’s not some kind of death wish on myself.” 

J. Mahoney: “ So what if you say ‘I think the Girl Scouts border on some paramilitary organization.’”

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Around North Grounds 9/13/17

Thumbs up to Floridians helping each other face Hurricane Irma. While ANG wishes that we didn’t need a natural disaster to come together, ANG loves seeing Floridians being #irmastrong. 

Thumbs down to the Law School administration forcing ANG to repeat Civ Pro yet again. The Law School’s tyrannical insistence that ANG be able to recite and apply this archaic code has prevented ANG from graduating for too long. Three generations of imbeciles are enough! Wait . . . 

Thumbs sideways to scheduling the Concert for Charlottesville for the same day as Foxfield. Sure, ANG is double-booked, but ANG will be moving Side to Side while the 1Ls are still cleaning up at Foxfield.

Thumbs down to the new It movie. If ANG wanted to be terrified, ANG would ask what was living under the floorboards in WB (answer: snakes). 

Thumbs up to the fact that Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are back in the public eye with their new books, it really helps hide the fact that Steven Glendon stole the 2016 election. 

Thumbs sideways to Princess Kate’s new pregnancy. While ANG’s chances of being adopted keeps decreasing, ANG’s chances of marrying into the royal family keep increasing. 

Thumbs up to softball starting! ANG has already joined five teams… but like ANG’s teammates, ANG will stop showing up to games as soon as they pass out jerseys. 

Thumbs down to the Rod and Gun club for going on a dove hunt. Seriously? Shooting the symbol of peace in these tumultuous times? If you must shoot something shoot the snakes in WB (Please don’t, guns are not allowed on grounds).

Our hearts go out to the victims on 9/11 and their families. We will never forget. 

Faculty Quotes 9/13/17

K. Kordana: “I don’t believe in what they teach you in LRW stuff, like I always say, ‘Don’t get bogged down in IRAC’”

J.C. Jeffries Jr. : [Discussing the 9th Circuit] “[Summary reversal] is particularly insulting: you were so wrong that we don’t even need to talk about it.”

O.W. Broome Jr.: “That was a great party… they’re now in jail.”

J. Hylton: “I believe there is a common law tradition that the time on the clock on the wall governs.”

B. Spellman: “How many of you are 1Ls? Good, none.”’

A. Vollmer: “What do you do if you are a real American? You sue under the Securities Act!”

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Around North Grounds 9/6/17

Thumbs up to the UVa Football Team winning on Saturday. The only thing that surprises ANG more than the fact that UVa still has a football team is that William& Mary also has a football team. 

Thumbs down to Starbucks for faking out ANG on the start of PSL season. ANG dressed in leggings, Uggs, and a Northface jacket on Sept 1st FOR NOTHING.

Congratulations to Zach Britt and Dan Richardson, EIC of the Virginia Law Review, on their wedding this weekend. ANG hopes there’s an open bar. Best wishes!

Thumbs down to the Virginia Law Review for soliciting student-written articles on current events. That’s ANG’s domain. If VLR wants to start a turf war over half-baked student editorials, it should at least bring pizza.

Thumbs up to Softball Season starting. ANG appreciates watching 1Ls slowly realize gym class is back. 

Thumbs down to Trump nullifying DACA. ANG seriously hopes that The Donald doesn’t think that doing something so petty and cruel will distract the news cycle from Rus- who are we kidding.

Heartest felt congratulations to Dear Respected Comrade Marshal Kim Jong-un on the successful test of the DPRK hydrogen bomb. ANG looks forward earnestly to the destruction of the American aggressors and the eternal victory of Juche Thought. Please don’t touch the law school.

Thumbs down to the approaching Hurricane Irma. ANG will be waiting with bated breath for your emails, Stephen T. Parr.

Thumbs down to Joel Osteen. Refusing to help the homeless and displaced is boring—ANG prefers ANG’s megachurch scandals with hookers and blow. 

 

Faculty Quotes 9/6/17

J. C. Jeffries, Jr.: “That’s what lawyers are paid to do: stand up and say with apparent sincerity things which are preposterous.”

M. Riley: “What do we need to do to get real legal change? That’s right, kill children.”

J. Mahoney: “It’s difficult to say no to a child selling Girl Scout cookies, even to a truculent child.”

R. Hynes: “I’m an academic, so I’m doing what academics do. I’m driving my Subaru and listening to NPR.”

J. Harrison: “You have to wonder how many fires are set by firefighters so they can slide down the pole.”

J. Setear: “Often the standard of review for those types of issues is de novo. What’s the name of that singer...Demi Lodovo...?”

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Around North Grounds 8/30/17

Thumbs up and welcome to the Class of 2020! Guess what your eyesight won’t be in three years?

Thumbs down to white supremacists and neo-Nazis. See, President Trump? That wasn’t so hard. 

Congratulations to the Law Weekly for winning the ABA’s award for Best Law School Newspaper! Now can ANG get reimbursed for the replica Iron Throne ANG bought last year for the Law Weekly office?

Thumbs sideways to SBA. We appreciate that Thursday Kegs are back, but moving Bar Review to Friday nights after ANG already scheduled no Friday classes is just rude. 

Thumbs up toBachlorette Rachel Lindsey on her engagement! Though ANG disagrees with your taste in fiancé (#TeamPeter), ANG supports all lawyers featured in the Bachelor(ette) franchise. Serious question, is Judge Lindsey still accepting clerkship applications? 

Thumbs sideways to TSwift’s newest music video. While ANG supports being able to look like ANG crawled out of ANG’s own grave after Bar Review, ANG definitely does not want to make snakes in the WB hallway a ‘thing’ again. 

Thumbs up to McGregor losing and still earning $30 million. ANG just wishes Mayweather’s ex got $30 million for her bruises. 

Thumbs up to GoT for reminding ANG that a big, beautiful wall is not an effective border security strategy. 

You may have noticed the Law Weekly (finally) publishes writers’ gender pronouns! Now, dear aggrieved readers, you may properly accost our writers in accordance with their gender identity. ANG doesn’t use pronouns because ANG only refers to ANG’s self in the third person. Accordingly, please address all hate mail to “ANG’s Royal Highness” at editor@lawweekly.org. 

The Law Weekly sends our love to Dean Davies and wishes her a quick recovery!

Faculty Quotes 8/30/17

R. Hynes: I’m an academic, so I’m doing what academics do. I’m driving my Subaru and listening to NPR.

J. Harrison: This is law school, and there’s a limit on how much fun is permissible. 

K. Abraham: You have to have dignity as a concept before the court can protect it. 

J.H. Verkerke: I love modern architecture, but that just looks like a water tank.

K. Ferzan: I was shocked to discover that my homeowners insurance policy covered intentionally hitting people with my shopping cart at Wegman’s.

J. Cannon: Mechanical transport is not allowed in National Forests… Much to my chagrin, that means I can’t ride my mountain bike.

 

 

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Around North Grounds 4/19/17

Thumbs up to the Law Review member who wrote a legal memo to Dean Davies for successor liability regarding the keg. ANG needs you to write a legal memo to the ABA letting ANG graduate with only twenty-three credits.

Thumbs down to the SBA Graduation Committee. ANG has never seen a more complicated set of rules for flip cup, and to be honest, ANG feels cheated out of ANG’s midday beer buzz.

Thumbs up to VJIL for providing mind-nourishing fruit snacks during this difficult time. Whatever journal office is next to VJIL also offers an array of excellent snacks. Though ANG avoids this second office because there are often 2Ls curled up under the pool table, sobbing into their Bluebooks

Thumbs down to the Song Lyrics round of 3L Trivia Night. ANG is not bitter, despite losing to every team besides “I attended 100% of Trivia and 20% of PR.” If you knew the next twelve words of those horrific pop songs, you either have Alex Haden’s despicable taste in music or attend too many Zoom spin classes.   

Thumbs sideways to Trump signing a kid’s hat, then throwing it into the crowd. On the one hand, that’s kind of a jerk move. On the other hand, ANG is glad to see that our Dear Leader has warmed up to wealth redistribution.

Thumbs up to spring in Charlottesville. The sight of dogwood blossoms, the smell of good spring rain, and copious amounts of tree sperm (yeah, that’s what pollen is) all remind ANG of why UVa Law is the best! 

Pour one out for Turkish democracy, 1923-2017. Atatürk’s vision for a secular Turkey was pretty great, ANG will miss it! Not as much as ANG misses Buffalo Wild Wings, but still a good amount.

Thumbs down to taxes being due yesterday. ANG is really hoping that they have conjugal visits in debtors’ prison, because ANG hasn’t filed taxes since that settlement ANG won against the Harris Teeter checkout clerk. 

Congratulations to our graduating staff! We hate to see you go, but we love to watch you leave.

Faculty Quotes 4/19/17

K. Forde-Mazrui: “I didn’t even get interviews with Supreme Court Justices so [pause] eff them”

A. Coughlin: “You wouldn’t have found [the evidence], cause I woulda flushed it down the tubes, which is what toilets are gonna be in the future: tubes. You heard it here first.”

J. Setear: “If you have a basement full of marijuana, you’re probably not going to smoke it all by yourself. Although I am not so sure about this guy who I play pickle ball with.”

J. G. Hylton: “[to students who may become judges] If you want to test the boundaries of cruel and unusual punishment, sentence someone to read all the Supreme Court’s Commerce Clause cases from 1865 to 1888.”

J. Duffy: “The rule is the air-conditioning in my house is turned on, so it’s warm enough to wear seersucker.”

K. Kordana: “The American dream: overalls to overalls in three generations”

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Around North Grounds 4/12/17

Thumbs down to last week’s poorly produced edition of Law Weekly. ANG expects more from ANG’s free newspaper.

Congratulations to ‘Sister Wives’ star Kody Brown potentially finding wife #5. ANG always wants to celebrate finding true love, especially for the suspect class of goatee wearers.

Thumbs down to Uber surcharges last weekend. With Georgetown University Law Center only two hours away, how are there not more Uber drivers available?

Thumbs up to Pepsi for ending racism.

There is speculation that Donald Trump may fire Steve Bannon. Now President Trump may actually have to get a real White House dog.

Thumbs down to undergraduates in the law library. ANG knows who you are with your three-ring binders, calculators, and general sense of happiness. #GetOffOfFacebook

Thumbs up to the Department of the Interior for repealing the ban on using lead bullets. Now ANG can successfully engage in ANG’s favorite activity, shooting deer while simultaneously poisoning streams.

Congratulations to Alabama’s second female governor. ANG is glad to know all it took was years of racism, misogyny, and a really sloppy attempt to cover a long-term affair. #ByeByeBentley

Thumbs up to Judge Neil Gorsuch’s confirmation to the Supreme Court. With the state of the world as it is, ANG is comforted by the fact that a straight white man can still make it to positions of power.

Thumbs up to Sergio Garcia winning the Masters. Like ANG says, “if at first you don’t succeed, wait until the world’s number one injures himself in a freak accident and Tiger Woods’ ex-wife ends his career with a nine iron.” 

Faculty Quotes 4/12/17

R. Schragger: “Your dogs and cats do not care about you. It looks like they love you, but they don’t.”

S. Braga: “I used to have a blue Porsche, but I wasn’t a drug dealer.”

R. Balnave: “Yeah, this is a discussion...If you define that as ‘Balnave can’t stop talking.’”

J.G. Hylton: “You don’t look at Mount Rushmore and say ‘Where’s Chester Arthur?’”

J. Setear: “Vegas is a city that is literally built on the concept that people don’t know how to do math.”

K. Kordana: “We are in the realm of contract law, we can do whatever we want!”

K. Ferzan: “Young children don’t understand the criminal justice system. Neither do many 1L’s.”

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