SSRIs Win Student Affairs Snacket
Over the past few weeks, Student Affairs has been hosting a March Madness “Snacket” to choose a new addition to their free snack selection. During the first round, a large cohort of law students decided to write in a candidate for the competition: Super Salty Round Items (“SSRIs”). Because the folks at Student Affairs rawdog life and are ironically out of touch with students, they just assumed this was a new, hip treat with the kids these days. They added it to the ballot but weren’t sure how to procure some to provide samples during voting. Dean Sarah Davies ’91 was tasked with the job, but because of her extremely super demanding schedule, she passed it on to a student intern. Her email to the intern read: “Please order some SSRIs online by Friday so we have them in time for the start of Snacket voting.”
The intern was shocked by the message, but wouldn’t dare disobey Dean Davies. So, he did what any law student would do when they are unsure how to solve a problem—he asked Claude and ChatGPT. Claude instructed the intern to make an appointment with his psychiatrist and express somewhat concerning anxiety symptoms. Claude predicted that this could result in the receipt of SSRIs in about 5 business days. But that was too late for Dean Davies. He had to go with ChatGPT’s suggestion instead: break into the CAPS office and steal all that he could.
After the intern successfully acquired the SSRIs, he placed them in the snack basket on Friday morning and awaited further instructions. The first student to come into Student Affairs that day asked Lisa Napier what the new snack was. She replied, “Some new candy Dean Davies wanted to include. Looks like pills to me, though.” The student was a little apprehensive, but he tried one anyway. Throughout the day, more and more students filed into Student Affairs, forming a line that stretched all the way to the Bookstore. The Student Affairs team was pleased with the attendance; they’d never had so much participation in the Snacket!
Student Affairs also started receiving emails from Professors asking about the new snack. They’d heard from their students that it was life-changing—the best thing they’d ever tried. Dean Davies told the intern to send one to each professor.
Unsurprisingly, SSRIs went on to win the Snacket bracket. Pushed to the brink by Dean Davies to keep up the Student Affairs hype, the intern was later arrested for going on a robbery streak of the wealthiest homes in Charlottesville. But students and professors were skipping in the hallways and smiling at everyone who passed. In other words, a successful Snacket!
