Daniel K. Grill ‘19
Every year the 3L class enjoys a number of events that bring the class together, such as the 3L bonfire and graduation. While these events are certainly fun, no event has had as big of an impact on Grounds as the graduation regalia measurements. What seemed like an innocent measurement by our Graduation Co-Chairs (#SEN19RS) has revealed interesting information about fellow classmates and even pitted a number of classmates against each other.
This year’s biggest heads welcomed their newly discovered status among the 3L class. The biggest head, Toccara Nelson, was particularly pleased with her accomplishment. “I’ll take this honor with me for the rest of my days,” she stated. “When my grandchildren ask me ‘Grandma Toco, what did you do at UVA Law?’ I’ll say, ‘Young child, my head was big AF . . . the biggest throughout the land. Expecto patronus or whatever.’” Brendan Woods, the second-biggest head, was also pleased to learn he had one of the biggest heads in the 3L class. He highlighted the hardships he endured in earning this recognition. “I am used to getting gasps from ski rental workers when they measure my head and I have a hard time finding hats that fit my bulbous skull,” he shared, as he held back tears. These experiences, however, have shaped how he relates with those who have heads across the whole spectrum. Woods plans to treat even the smallest heads in the class with the same respect as his big-headed counterparts, and he hopes they will return the favor to him. W. Campbell Haynes earned a surprising finish as only the third-biggest head in the 3L class. Given his buoyant locks and an apparent misinformation campaign spreading that he had the biggest head in the class, many expected a top-two finish for Haynes. Upon learning that he only had the third biggest head in the class, a noticeably upset Haynes muttered, “Go Vols.” The Law Weekly is not aware of the source of the rumors regarding Haynes’s big head, but will continue to pursue the matter.
While the 3L class has a definitive ranking for the biggest heads, there is no such consensus for the smallest heads. Lina Leal, an LLM from Colombia, earned the measurement for the smallest head. She has always been aware that she has a small head, and was glad to earn this honor. She said, “It would have been a surprise to have the biggest head taking into account that I am petite” (weird flex but ok). While there is no doubt that Leal has a small head, the Law Weekly has recently learned of a complication shaking up the smallest head rankings. Christy Allen, who was thought to have the second-smallest head in the class, claims that her measurements do not accurately reflect the size of her head. Christy provided the Law Weekly with the following statement: “All I can say is that I’ve always had big hair, so I never knew I had such a small head!! :) and I actually went up a quarter inch just to be safe, so my head is actually smaller than they measured! :)” Graduation Co-Chairs and noted phrenologists Robbie Pomeroy and Julia Wahl declined to comment on the matter. While this may be disconcerting to those seeking a definitive smallest-head-in-the-class, the two seemed content to share the title.
The excitement surrounding the graduation regalia measurements has far exceeded anyone’s expectation. Pomeroy did not even realize the importance of the measurements to the 3L class. “I only wanted to make sure we got tams instead of undergrad cardboard graduation caps. I didn’t realize that measuring the circumference of everyone’s head would bring the class together as it has,” he shared. Wahl was also surprised at the impact her measurements have had and reflects positively on the experience. “I feel a lot closer with the 3L class after touching everyone’s foreheads,” she said. Needless to say, the graduation regalia measurements have provided the class with a wealth of personal information about each other. While no one is really sure what do with this information, there is no doubt that the excitement surrounding the class’s head sizes will continue as the semester progresses.