Commentator Without Portfolio
Editor’s Note: The PILA Live Auction will be held this Thursday, November 8 from 5:30 to 8 p.m. in Caplin Pavilion. Wine and light refreshments will be served and the professor whom the Student Body selects for the honor will be pied in the face. The Silent Auction will be held on Saturday, November 10, at 9 p.m. at the Omni Hotel. Tickets for the Silent Auction are $35 and will be on sale in Hunton & Williams Hall from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. through Wednesday.
ANG looks forward to spending the piles and piles of money ANG earned over the summer on recovering from the stresses of 3L with a one-week stay in a Lake Tahoe vacation home with five of ANG’s nearest and dearest (starting bid of $2,000). Due to the limited acquaintanceship ANG possesses after umpteen years at this institution of highest education and ANG’s resultant lack of choice in identifying those dear ones, ANG is certain that certain of ANG’s companions will compel ANG to do things like hike, ski, or “participate in water-based activities” (whatever those may be).
Obviously, this will be exhausting. ANG will have to immediately take a truly relaxing vacay south of the border . . . the question to answer is: a one-week stay in a beachfront condo in Cozumel with one or two of ANG’s laziest (read: favorite) friends (starting bid of $810) or a three-night stay at Hacienda Guachipelin in Rincon de La Vieja Volcano, Guanacaste, Costa Rica with ANG’s beloved, who will get to enjoy both One-Day Adventure Passes while ANG chillaxes (starting bid TBA)? Or does ANG just optimize the utility derived from that one southbound airfare and go for both?
Upon return to los Estados Unidos, ANG expects ANG will need opportunity to reacclimate to the Virginia climes, rendering a weekend stay at Camp House in Flint Hill, Va. an absolute necessity (starting bid of $500). Add on to that a wine BASKET (not just a bottle, folks!) and a gift card to a local restaurant? ANG might not bother coming back to Charlottesville.
In the unlikely event ANG makes it back from these adventures and deems there to be any hope in schmoozing professors for a passing grade, ANG will be looking for companionship at the following competitive events. These include a choice between Poker Night for Five with Professors Bowers, Gilbert and Schwartzman or Poker Night for Four with Professor Ferzan (both with a starting bid of $200). Does one of these sound like a better deal than the other??
For when ANG is pretending to be an educated and/or refined individual like ANG’s mom always hoped ANG would grow up to be before she relinquished this pipe dream, ANG plans to bid on and win Pub Trivia for between five and nine people with Professor Brady (starting bid of $300). No word on how prominently Kelo will feature in the question set. If “physical activity” is more where your skills lie, ANG will need the assistance of seven individuals for Dinner and Croquet for Eight with Professor Geis (those seven can figure out croquet and ANG will eat everyone’s dinner; ANG was banned from any mallet-based sports after an incident that does not bear going into).
Last but not least, ANG will bid as high as ANG needs to in order to win the Ice Cream Social with Dean Goluboff and Professor Schragger (starting bid of $200 but real talk that’s not a reasonable estimate of the value). This is still a competitive event; if you haven’t seen ANG eat ice cream then you haven’t seen ice cream eaten. Period. ANG is listening if anyone wants to form an alliance in bidding / financing this event.
For those interested in consolation prizes and/or making a fierce comeback in the bidding wars during the silent auction on Saturday night, ANG understands that there will be some truly excellent salted chocolate-chunk cookies on the table, among other delectables (as well as other, non-edible items). Let us pray that if any of the above prizes are snatched out from under ANG, ANG will at least be able to eat ANG’s sorrows away in gourmet style.
 Making sure all the real associates were eligible for free lunch on the firm was a full-time job, yo.
 Applicants for the position of “companion” must provide evidence of winning tendencies in the selected event. ANG can’t be a champion at everything and gets by only with a “little” help from ANG’s friends.
 COME AT ME, UVA LAW BROS!!!