Drew Calamaro ‘21
I’m big enough to admit that I made a lot of sacrifices this week. I could have stayed inside during the snow day, and I could have stayed home with a stuffy nose on Saturday. Instead I walked all the way to the car and drove to review more chicken sandwiches. Doing so took a physical and emotional toll on me, but I refuse to complain. I especially won’t complain about the $3 parking fee I had to pay for one of my reviews that the Virginia Law Weekly refuses to refund; not in this column, and especially not to the readers.
Instead, like a true member of the media, I am here to relate chicken sandwiches to the current political environment. This requires asking tough questions addressing the intersectionality of problems and matic-ness. No one else is asking these questions, and like the chicken and the egg, it has to start somewhere.
Zinburger—973 Emmet St N
Don’t let the name fool you—Zinburger is not the German word for hamburger. My good friend from Germany told me that the German word for hamburger is dummeranwalt, which I trust to be correct since, as he said, translating German back to English on Google never works right.
German names aside, Zinburger’s Southwest Fried Chicken Sandwich includes “Pepper Jack Cheese, Red and Yellow Peppers, Poblano Peppers and Avocado Crème.” The chicken itself was good, but, to my horror, the sandwich had bell peppers on it. When it comes to chicken sandwiches, I draw the line at bell peppers. They have no place in the public sphere except in a salad ordered by Amy Klobuchar that I assume contains the souls of her underlings topped with a nice green goddess dressing.
I was so upset over this fowl-pas that I forgot to feel outraged enough to read Paul Manafort’s 800-page sentencing memo. Does that make me an irresponsible citizen? Perhaps. But remember that Zinburger calls this a “Southwest” chicken sandwich by virtue of putting the worst vegetable on the best possible food. Therefore, I give this sandwich a 3.5 out of 5 stars for both taste and problematicness, which is the same as Southwest Airlines’ food rating on TripAdvisor.
Iron Paffles & Coffee—214 W Water Street
The sandwich here is build-your-own. I am not convinced that the public is ready for this type of power. Chicken sandwiches, like societies, cannot be trusted to the masses and instead require chicklets and balances. However, as someone in the roost-ruling class, I knew the only correct order was a chicken sandwich with aioli, tomato, slaw, and pepper jack cheese.
The “paffles” are a mixture of French puff pastry and Belgian waffles, which is a touchy combination of countries that hasn’t been attempted in over half a century. However, the result here is a beautiful piece of chicken nestled between two flaky waffles. Given that the term “flaky waffles” is literally redundant and that combining the two words gives you “falafel,” calling the sandwich bun a “paffle” starts to make more sense.
Since I am giving Iron Paffles free press, and Belgium is ranked 7th out of 180 countries on the Press Freedom Index, I will give this sandwich 173/180 on tastiness. However, since France is 33rd on the Press Freedom Index, I will give it a 147/180 on problematicness, which as we all know is still very high!
The Whiskey Jar – 227 W Main Street
Here we have “Shredded Lettuce, Pickles, Tomato, [and] Duke’s Mayo on a Grilled Brioche Bun.” Innocuous, you might say, but we need to talk about something first: the Brioche Bun.
Folks, I haven’t seen appropriation like this since Ruth Bader Ginsburg stole Barry Goldwater’s glasses. I don’t think we depended on France to gain our independence, so why are we depending on them to make our sandwiches? Maybe I’m simple, but the only French “bread” I’m interested in appropriating is more funds for NATO. I give the Brioche Bun 10/10 baguettes for problematicness. However, it was delicious, and I take the baguettes back and give it 47/50 FREEDOM fries for tastiness. The other 3 fell down my car seat.
Overall, this was a strong contender. I don’t know who “Duke” is or why he has his own mayo, but seeing as mayo contains eggs, there are arguably two chickens in this sandwich. Therefore, I give it 10 eggs out of a basket that can hold 12, because you should never put all of your eggs in one basket.
Taste: 177/180 LSAT
Problematicness: 3.54 GPA
Taste: 173/180 Press Freedom Index
Problematicness: 147/180 (still very high!)
Taste: 10/12 eggs
Problematicness (Brioche tastiness): 47/50 freedom fries
Taste: 3.5/5 stars (Southwest airlines food rating)
Problematicness: 3.5/5 stars (Id.)
Taste: 163 LSAT
Problematicness: Tune in next week!
 Editor’s note: at no point did this author ask for reimbursement by the Law Weekly. Fake news.