Will Palmer ‘21
I’m taking a quick break from the Malicious Chinchilla series at Brutus’ request; following his devastating loss in the Paw Review contest, he has cloistered himself away in the manor’s East Wing to plot in seclusion. I’m not trying to get another glass eye, so I’m going to leave the little guy alone for a bit so he can blow off some steam by hacking into the NSA or whatever he does for fun. In the meantime, let’s do something completely different…
I’ve just gotten in some transmissions from some high-level contacts and folks, I’m not messing around here—they are out to get you, and out to get your families. They’re devious people, and they smell like sulfur. Look at Tom Cruise. I’ve smelled ‘em. Reptilians, they all smell the same. You learn this from observing the enemy, really trying to walk a mile in their shoes. Obviously, I can’t do that because I’m not a goddamn goblin, but you get what I mean. Let’s talk some hard truths you didn’t learn in elementary school because they didn’t want you to know.
The Moon “Landing”: Come on, sheeple. Wake up and smell the coffee: we didn’t land on the moon because the moon is going to land on us. I’ve got a number of transmissions here, from trustworthy sources, and my own observations, folks—they all indicate what the big government calls a ‘moon’ is actually an asteroid being piloted towards Earth at an extremely slow speed. I’m talking slower than an old turtle, folks. Real slow. But it’s coming, alright. And when it gets here, the Illuminati, they’re going to go into cryo-slumber in their subterranean temple complexes, while the rest of us get flattened. Gets me riled up just thinking about it.
Tupac & Biggie: Both were “killed” in drive-by shootings in the late 90’s—or so they would have you believe. But what makes you feel better inside: believing that, or believing that they’re chilling on some tropical island, getting higher than Elon Musk and making fun of current rap beefs? Sometimes you gotta go with your gut, and that’s what I’m doing on this one. My gut is a powerful force, as long as I keep that bad boy powered up with chili in the mornings.
The Shape of the Earth: I’m not talking about the fish sex movie here, folks. I’m talking about the planet Earth, and how people have been brainwashed into thinking that it might be round. It’s clearly a cylinder. Just look on the internet. The truth is out there.
Avril Lavigne Being Alive: She’s dead, folks. Replaced by a clone in 2003. Next.
Project MKULTRA: Everyone knows about this one, right? Secret CIA experiments on unwitting subjects and all that. The government is using LSD to try and perfect a brainwashing technique to fight the Commies. That’s just what they want you to think, people. Wake up. This is a classic example of an unfalse flag—so, just a flag, I guess. The government makes itself look bad to distract from what’s really going on. The invasion of Iraq? Another example. They were just plotting the financial crisis the whole time.
Vaccines: Say what you will about their effectiveness, folks, I’m not putting anything into my body that’s made by big government. That’s why I’ve developed my own personal lab to manufacture vaccines for a variety of illnesses. You can buy all the necessary equipment on my website or borrow it from your least perceptive neighbor.
The Roswell UFO Crash & Area 51: There’s a lot of fake news flying around out there about these two, and let me tell you, it’s hard to sift through all of that and get a sense of the truth. But I’ve got some insider sources on my team, and I’ve done cite checks on all their research, and it’s good stuff. What they’re telling me is that aliens didn’t land at Roswell in 1947. What really happened is that a reptilian-operated craft landed in Roswell in 1973 and that landing created a space-time anomaly. It’s really intense math stuff, folks. Gives me a headache. But this establishes pretty conclusively that the reptilians have time travel capabilities. Either way, Area 51—my sources are telling me that it’s really the entrance to the Illuminati vault for the American Southwest, the cryo-chambers, all that.
CERN: They’re building an interdimensional hell portal over there, folks. This place is just shifty. The Large Hadron Collider is the most dangerous thing for the world since I personally averted Y2K, and I won’t stand for it. There’s a donation link up on my website to help fund my upcoming protest—I’m going to chain myself to their infernal machine and dare them to fire it up.