The Definitive Halloween Candy Power Ranking

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Our annual celebration of the dead and demons, All Hallows’ Eve, where we are free to complete our satanic rituals in public. My mother, a caring and kind woman, always worried about me receiving candy that was either laced with drugs or contained mini razor blades (I blame Fox News and Guideposts), so I always approached the holiday with apprehension. She never let me dress up as anything too scary or disturbing (Southern Baptist, Bible Belt, etc.). However, in recent years, the holiday has become my favorite. Personally, I plan to go door to door wearing RFK Jr.’s (’82) hideous visage—voice and all—in order to seek out some of the higher-ranked treats below. Without further ado, here is my definitive ranking of the best Halloween candy.

1. Candy Laced with Drugs

2. Reese’s Pumpkins

3. Almond Joy

4. Little Butterfingers

5. Peanut Butter M&Ms

6. Sour Patch Kids

7. Twizzlers

8. Candy with Razor Blades in it

9. Candy Corn

I will not be accepting comments or questions on this definitive list. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

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Staff Editor — Kirk Wolff ’26

wzw8mp@virginia.edu