Situationships and the Law
Source: Markus Winkler
As someone whose long-distance relationship has not gotten blown up on r/UVALaw, I have zero firsthand experience of the Charlottesville dating scene. From what I’ve gathered, it’s pretty abysmal. Too many people asking about your star sign. Your bank account ticking down, down, down as you pay for mid first date after mid first date. Shirtless pictures of your sectionmate, inadvertently seen. The only one with any interest? That random Darden guy at Feb Club. With Valentine’s Day in recent memory, the summer housing search well on its way, and the prospect of Big Law Summer on the horizon, you might find yourself wondering, “Gosh, what now? What do I do? What do I say?” Fear not. Here is a quasi-Venn diagram of things you could say to your situationship versus things you could say in a legal setting. Emphasis on could, not should.
Things you could say in a legal setting, but not to your situationship:
● Tell me about your life insurance policy.
● I deserve the right to quiet enjoyment.
● Why is this relevant?
● I’m so glad I hired you!
● Please limit your arguments to five minutes.
● Overruled.
● Let’s discuss your testamentary capacity.
● This is a case of mistaken identity!
● I’m dealing with an attractive nuisance.
● Evidence of prior acts is inadmissible!
● I move to strike.
● Objection. Vague, overbroad, unduly burdensome.
● I owe you no duty.
● I don’t have time to talk about non-billable matters.
Things you could say to your situationship, but not in a legal setting:
● Are you all dressed up for *me*?
● This is moving too fast.
● What are we?
● Are you mad at me?
● That’s not what you said last night.
● You’ve changed.
● I thought this was casual.
Things you could say in both:
● Permission to approach?
● Do you think I’ll make partner?
● I approve this merger.
● Can I speak with you in chambers?
● I need more consideration!
● I’m not going to settle for this.
● Is this admissible?
● Your claim for emotional damages is unsubstantiated.
● Failure to appear. No continuance granted.
● We need to talk.
● Whatever happened to the duty of loyalty?
● There was no meeting of the minds.
● Motion to dismiss!
● Are you sure this is the right venue?
● We need to talk about limiting your gas emissions.
● You are not acting in good faith.
● I detrimentally relied on you.
● What is your intent?
● This gift fails for lack of delivery.
● Thoughts on a pre-nup?
● You didn’t put me on notice!
● And they were . . . tenants in common.
Bonus for neither!
● She Twomb on my Bell ’til Iqbal.
*The Law Weekly shall take no responsibility for what occurs in the event you do say these to your situationship or in a legal setting!
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Author — Sophie Zane ’27
yjt8nw@virginia.edu