Angry Horde of 3Ls v. Fuqua
901 U.Va. 76 (2018)
HOPKIN, J. delivered the opinion of the unanimous Court. UNANIMOUS, FRANCES.
The case before the Court is whether a group of 3Ls (hereinafter “Angry Horde”) can sustain a breach-of-contract claim against the UVA Student Bar Association (SBA) for the severe lack of “Wednesday Socials” held recently. Angry Horde brought this suit against President Frances Fuqua (hereinafter “Dictator Fuqua”) in her personal capacity and requests specific performance of the contract to provide Wednesday Socials. This Court upholds Angry Horde’s claim against Dictator Fuqua and grants an injunction mandating an SBA Social to be held within the next twenty-four hours.
SBA entered into a valid contract with the Class of 2019. If the Court remembers correctly (and the Court does), this means there was offer and acceptance and people were totally allowed to be drunk. See Lucy v. Zehmer, 84 S.E.2d 516 (Va. 1954). The Court finds two separate ways to fulfill these requirements. First, when the University of Virginia School of Law admitted the individuals in this class, Dean Cordel Faulk promised “a great law school experience.” The man is a saint, and his word is interpreted by this Court as black-letter law. See Dean Faulk v. Sniveling Law Student, 578 U.Va. 80 (2016) (“The Court didn’t get into any other schools and managed to squeak past the Quality Assurance section of Admissions, and, therefore, like really owes Dean Faulk. He wins on summary judgment. We don’t even know what this case is about.”). The Court has previously held that “great law school experience” means “two kegs of beer and one keg of cider with some kind of cheap food if you show up on time.” Entitled Class of 2017 v. Dean Davies, 593 U.Va. 94 (2017). Therefore, the Class of 2019 was offered bread and circuses and accepted by attending UVA Law rather than another school. The Class of 2019 gave consideration when they turned down other schools that grade on a “High Pass, Low Pass” system.
The SBA, led by Dictator Fuqua, modified this contract by offering Wednesday Socials every other Wednesday during the Fall 2018 Semester. A subsection of the Class of 2019, Angry Horde, then accepted by religiously attending the socials when they were held. Angry Horde even talked some Professors into skipping breaks during class to let students out at 5:30 p.m. instead of 5:40 p.m. so that Angry Horde could enjoy the cold food offered alongside the beer. Therefore, under both theories, Angry Horde entered into a contract with UVA Law for Wednesday Keg Socials to be fulfilled by the SBA under the leadership of Dictator Fuqua.
Dictator Fuqua has allowed SBA to breach this contract. For several Wednesdays in a row, Angry Horde has shown up to an empty Spies Garden. In the words of one member of Angry Horde, “What—and I cannot emphasize this enough—the f*ck. I seriously cannot find the keg.” The Court finds this behavior so repugnant that it cannot comment further on the breach except to say, “RUDE.” I mean I thought we were friends, Frances. We shared a drink special at Bilt—you can’t just turn your back on that.
The most appropriate remedy for this breach is specific performance. The Court cannot place a number on the amount of damage this breach has caused. Any dollar amount given to Angry Horde would fail to make these parties whole, because no amount of money can satisfy the need for cheap beer and cold pizza the way an SBA social can. Damages are, therefore, impossible as a remedy here. Therefore, the Court grants an injunction to Angry Horde ordering Dictator Fuqua to hold a Wednesday Keg Social within the next twenty-four hours.
Dictator Fuqua is lucky that Angry Horde brought this action under breach of contract rather than intentional infliction of emotional distress. (Although so is the Court because all the Court seems to remember about this doctrine is a horse cuddling a toddler and Professor Abraham saying, “It really worries me that you can’t understand basic fact patterns.”)
Even though the Court agrees with her general sentiments, the Court will not consider the amicus curiae filed by Kate Duvall calling Angry Horde “overly dramatic” and urging them to “please study” because she’s “seen [their] grades.” Everyone knows 3Ls don’t study. So silly.
Shaaaaamme. Shame on you, Dictator Fuqua. And Read. And Taz. The people need access to kegs, and you purposefully withheld them. Angry Horde will be in Spies Garden this evening ready for kegs—you better bring them.
Finally, Professor Setear requests that you have a cold Diet Coke ready for him in addition to the kegs. There’s no real legal basis for this, but you’ve upset the Court. And the Court would like to earn above a C- in his class. Two birds, one injunction.
Also, if this Court incorrectly used any Contract Law terms or doctrines, it has been ages since this Court attended any class that even refers to Contract Law. If you push it, the Court is not afraid to use Criminal Law on your insubordinate attitude—and the Court actually learned that subject. See Justice Hopkin v. Her Nemesis, 362 U.Va. 71 (2017) (maintaining a conviction against someone who consistently parked over the line in the D3 lot against a charge of malicious prosecution because of Petty Rule of Civil Procedure 1: “We do what we want.”)
It is so ordered.