Hot Bench: ANG ’800s

Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to sit down with the Law Weekly. We’ve heard a lot about you from the Law Weekly, obviously, but would love for you to introduce yourself. Where are you from, how old are you, and what do you do?

 It’s great to be here. I’ll take any excuse to get close to the Law School, so I appreciate you having me. I live at the abandoned softball field behind the park. I sleep in the dugout curled up beneath a tarpaulin. But originally, I’m from the mountains. And age, boy, don’t you know it’s not polite to ask? Or stare, hey, my eyes are down here. But I graduated sometime in between ’19 to ’54 . . . but it’s been so long, I forget.  As for work, I don’t really do anything . . . I mostly loaf, mill about, loiter, and tramp—when I can find the time. Most of the day I spend taking big smacking puffs of my corncob pipe, and trying to look up people's skirts. So you could say I’m currently unemployed, but if you know of any positions open at the Law School, let me know! I think I heard something about the UVA Presidency being open . . . I might have to throw my little tri-cornered hat in the ring!

Yeah . . . I think that position’s been filled, but I’ll keep an eye out! So, what do you do for fun, besides of course nicotine and being a creep?

 I like to go on really, really long walks! Sometimes to weird places. But other times to the various wineries in town or to the Law School.

Sooo, we’re dying to know, which winery is your favorite?

 I actually run my own in the field. It’s quite beautiful if you want to come out sometime. My reds tend to have a hint of graphite, tobacco, and meat, if that's the kind of thing you’re into. I’m thinking of branching out into roadkill, but it doesn’t seem to distill well . . .  maybe I’m just not grinding the bones fine enough.

Wow! OK. That’s one place I’m never going to visit, but thanks for the heads up! Now, let’s transition to your time at the Law School. What was your favorite student org when you were here?

 Omg, I’m so glad you asked. During my time at the Law School, I was an esteemed member of the Rod and Gun Club and the Tax Review. I tried to join Virginia Law Women but they were too quick with the door and the deadbolt. Lone Star Lawyers, on the other hand, will take anyone with a pulse and a sense of rootless ambition.

Huh. So, were you biglaw then?

 Oh jeez, no! Public service all the way. I worked very hard to advance justice for the little guy. Nobody is looking out for the most vulnerable in our society. The plight of the common lettuce head is all but ignored even today.

Lettuce? The plant?

 Yes. All vegetables in fact. They have very advanced nervous systems, and can feel pain, just like you. Whole societies. A common language and society. Carrots are particularly advanced. They invented the microchip early in their species, but destroyed it for the good of all.

You said “feel pain, just like you.” I assume you meant “you and I”?

 I did not.

Alrighty let’s please move on, time for a speed round! Try to answer with the first thing that pops into your head. Favorite C’ville restaurant?

 Cookout. 5 hotdogs for $10! More for free if you just start taking people’s trays.

Favorite movie?

 Anything narrated by David Attenborough. Usually I’m contrarian, but I think that is something we can all agree on.

What’s a place you’ve always wanted to visit?

 Probably Dean Dugas’ country estate.

Favorite student affairs snack?

 The mints. I love the piercing flavor in my mouth. And they often get stuck in my tiny throat, and thanks to the hole in the middle, I can still breathe.

What was the first job you ever had?

 In dame school I used to fashion makeshift Swiss Army Knives out of gum and pencil sharpeners, and sell them to the other kids. Now that I think about it, that was the most lucrative job I’ve had to date.