Courting 1Ls is a big undertaking. Between our short attention spans and zero substantive legal knowledge, conversing with us is a completely fruitless endeavor. As such, BigLaw Firms have focused their efforts into a more impactful method of recruiting: fidget spinners and squishies. But not all plastic is created equal, and it’s important to separate the winners and the losers of this year’s firm merch efforts.
Man-shaped squishy: Weil
Whimsy: 8/10
Functionality: 4/10
Memorability: 10/10
Overall score: 7.3/10
Source: Kelsey Bohn
Two weeks ago I probably would have ranked this faceless, obtuse squishy man toward the bottom of the list. But due to recent events, this little piece of rubber now has a valuation similar to a piece of the Titanic. Regardless of its general lack of purpose and disconcertingly sticky texture, the Weil squishy man will forever be a cherished relic.
Light-up lipgloss: Troutman Pepper Locke
Whimsy: 5/10
Functionality: 3/10
Memorability: 10/10
Overall score: 6/10
I see the vision, but unfortunately the execution will probably result in rashes and blindness.
Owala: Sidley Austin
Whimsy: 0/10
Functionality: 10/10
Memorability: 6/10
Overall score: 5.3/10
While other firms went for pure shock factor, Sidley took a full-functionality approach this year with a black Owala. I’m docking a few points for predictability, but after seeing how many water bottles are stacked in the library lost-and-found, I’m sure some of you really appreciate this.
Small foam trout: Troutman Pepper Locke
Whimsy: 7/10
Functionality: 0/10
Memorability: 8/10
Overall score: 5/10
The small foam trout takes a hard pivot from the full-functionality approach of Sidley and presents us with something of absolutely no use whatsoever. Next year I’d love to see a singing wall-mount trout. Keep up the good work.
Branded Tide pen: Several firms
Whimsy: 0/10
Functionality: 10/10
Memorability: 3/10
Overall score: 4.3/10
I usually lose these within three days of getting them, so I really appreciate the mass distribution that firms are facilitating. Keep ’em coming.
Merch ideas for next year:
It’s easy to be judgmental, but I also recognize that the accelerated timeline makes it a tough time to work in BigLaw recruiting. I hope these ideas alleviate some of the burden for future merch endeavors.
Lisa Frank collab. You may know Lisa Frank from her multi-colored drawings that feature wide-eyed cartoon animals. Unfortunately, her brand is in some hot water right now, but BigLaw firms are no stranger to controversy. Bonus points for temporary tattoos and/or backpacks.
Eyeshadow palette. Eyeshadow palettes go a step further than other makeup products because they provide the opportunity to spread your firm’s narrative through uniquely naming each shade. For example, a cobalt shade could be called “blue-light poisoning,” or a shimmery red tone could be called “working on Christmas.”
(Strong) deodorant. Firm interactions are stressful. Some of y’all are spending money on beer that you should be saving for hygiene necessities. BigLaw firms, you have an opportunity to really help us out here.
Writer: Kelsey Bohn ‘29, wxp6yb