Gunners Receive Erika Kirk Eye Surgery for Increased Classroom Noticeability
While much of the Law School population passes its days without a care in the world, one portion of the student body has been fighting a silent but tragic battle. Every week, nearly a dozen gunners raise their hands to ask and answer questions in their classes, only for the professor to call on some A- schmuck in the back row.
“Being passed over by a professor is an incredibly traumatic and, frankly, dangerous experience for a young gunner,” said Trai Hardson, elected representative for the UVA Law Gunner Coalition. “Having a lackadaisical classmate be picked to answer a question over them can shake their very foundation. It destroys their sense of self-importance and can even make them realize that not being the center of attention isn’t that bad, in extreme cases. It’s a real problem for the community.”
When asked about the possible causes for the snubs, the Coalition rejects the long-held theory that professors are tired of hearing from them and want to answer someone else’s poorly conceived hypo for a change. Instead, they posit that they are beginning to blend in with the plebs.
“Do you remember the old Febreeze commercials about going ‘nose-blind’ to certain odors?” offered Hardson. “It’s like that, we think.”
The Coalition spoke at length (naturally) about possible ways to grab the attention of professors looking in their general direction. They focused their energy on developing eye-centric tactics, as their attentive peepers must always be alert and directed at authority figures, per Gunner custom.
While researching new hypo material, the Coalition came across a video of Erika Kirk displaying the most arresting orbs they had ever witnessed. They had to have them. But to accomplish their goal, they needed support from friends in the Charlottesville area.
“When a group of twitchy twenty-somethings approached me asking for a very dangerous, experimental, and pointless procedure, my first thought was ‘Med Mal suit be damned, this is too funny to pass up,’” said Dr. Charle A. Tan, a doctor the gunners found in the alley behind Miller’s the night after his license was revoked.
Like a trip to the hair salon, the gunners said, “So I’m thinking something like this,” and handed Dr. Tan a Pinterest “Eyespo” board full of screenshots from Kirk’s interviews. They then lay back on the operating table, got the first full three hours of sleep they’ve had since New Year's, and let the disgraced ophthalmologist do his thing.
The ordeal was a mission success. While the long-term academic and medical implications of this innovative procedure have yet to be studied, we know one group that is happy to do some extra research on the side. For now, the short-term results are clear:
“Have I noticed the students in the front row any more than usual?” said Professor Alex Johnson. “Obviously. They’ve got staph infections around both eye sockets.”