Red, White, and Trump: Rushmore’s 250th Makeover

In what officials are describing as a way to “Make Granite Great Again,” plans were unveiled this week to replace the iconic Mount Rushmore carvings with four distinct representations of Donald Trump, commemorating the nation’s 250th anniversary. 

According to a press release issued early Monday morning, the redesigned monument, tentatively titled “Mount Trumpmore,” will feature “four powerful eras” of Trump’s life: “Young Blossoming Trump,” “Business Titan Trump,” “Television Icon Trump,” and “45th Forever President Trump.” Each face will reportedly be scaled to “slightly larger-than-life proportions,” though engineers declined to clarify the baseline they used.  

“This is about honoring continuity,” said a spokesperson for the commemorative commission. “For too long, Americans have had to grapple with four entirely different historical figures on one mountain. Too many debates about who deserved to be up there. This simplifies things. Now only the best AND brightest will be carved into stone.” 

The project, already underway, has raised both logistical and philosophical questions. Early drone footage suggests that the original carvings are being carefully reshaped rather than removed entirely, leading some observers to note that remnants of prior presidents may faintly be visible beneath the new features. One contractor described the process as “more of a sculptural overwrite than a deletion.” 

Critics have been quick to respond. A group of historians released a joint statement calling the redesign “confusing at best,” noting that the monument’s original intent was to represent foundational moments in American history. Others, however, see the change as consistent with evolving traditions. “Every generation reinterprets its symbols,” said one commentator. “This just happens to involve significantly more hair detail.” 

Students and tourists in the area have reported mixed reactions. “It’s definitely different,” said one visitor, who added that the four faces have “eyes that seem to follow you, like one of those scary movies.” Another noted that the “Young Blossoming Trump” version seems to be “an entirely different guy,” though officials have not confirmed which photo was their inspiration. 

The announcement also included plans for an interactive visitor center, where guests can “experience the timeline” through immersive exhibits, including a simulated boardroom, a replica campaign rally stage, and a gift shop offering commemorative coins described as “legally distinct from currency.” (Though all currency must possess Trump’s signature to be accepted as payment.) 

Despite the controversy, organizers remain confident that the monument will resonate with future generations. “Two hundred and fifty years is a milestone,” the spokesperson said. “And milestones call for bold design choices.” 

At press time, engineers were reportedly reassessing structural plans after concerns that plans for the addition of “Immortal Trump” required significantly more space than initially projected.