Happy April Fool’s Disclaimer Disclaimer

Hi brilliant, beautiful readers. Happy April Fool’s Day. That’s today! Or perhaps it was yesterday, if you’ve spent all night carefully taping the scraps of this issue together to reconstruct it after your Con Law professor, in a fit of rage, ripped it to shreds in the middle of the D3 parking lot. 

Completely unrelatedly, I write to let you know that this edition of the Law Weekly is different from our usual editions. We’ve heard your criticism: “The Law Weekly is too nice!” And you’re right. Famously the kindest people in the Law School, we hide away in our office, quaking in our quarter-zips, too afraid of tarnishing our good names to do anything more than offer vaguely positive reflections on the panels you didn’t attend. Somewhere along the way, in respecting your individual privacy (i.e., not printing about the person who clips their toenails in the Slaughter hallway), and salvaging what could be our future professional relationships (with us as your malpractice defense attorneys), we’ve lost our bite. We’re an ABA-award-winning law school newspaper for God’s sake! What has happened to us?! 

It’s time for a change: today we write, under our government names, our real opinions about real facts in the world and the Law School. We have shed our people-pleasing ways in favor of unfettered honesty. In short, we’re giving this whole journalistic integrity thing a try. So get ready for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Beardsley.  

Before the Bar Czars send the email they’re drafting, which will go to our spam folder, I (unwittingly) note the following: The foregoing was a “joke.” The articles that follow contain “jokes.” Fortunately for us, “joking” is an absolute defense to defamation. Fortunately for (most of) you, you are spared. Enjoy! 

Author: Alexis Pudvan (‘28), Satire Editor, nrt9un@virginia.edu