Pumpkin Spice and Late-Stage Capitalism: A Case Study
Like many a basic b****, my favorite season is autumn. Something about changing leaves, the cool breezes, and the onset of apple cider brings me great joy. Being my favorite season and all, I also love a good stroll down a craft store or autumnal market in the fall. However, it seems in recent years the shelves are oversaturated with seasonal-themed craziness.
To my shock and confusion, I walked into a Michaels earlier this July only to be greeted with pumpkins, skeletons, and fall leaves everywhere. The corporate overlords decided that fall had arrived early. Not only that, but they had also decided that fall-themed items went beyond the decorative pillow and napkin. Oh no, if it was to be fall in July, everything must be cinnamon-ified. Since that day, I started accumulating a list of some fun and some outrageous fall-themed items I have seen for your reading pleasure. If you’re looking for something silly or slightly confusing for your home this autumn season, look no further. (Keep in mind, I have purchased zero of the following items, but what is an e-board position on Law Weekly good for but an unqualified opinion?)
1. Halloween Candy (Gingerbread) Cookie House Kit[1]
This kit was the item that started it all. Maybe I’m behind on the trends, but this confusing Christmas-Halloween crossover treat sounded both revolutionary and outrageous. Or perhaps this is an homage to The Nightmare Before Christmas? In any case, who doesn’t love a good excuse to eat stale sweets and take some of the shine away from those pesky winter lovers? However, while I love a good gingerbread, who actually likes candy corn? Squandered execution of a brilliant idea, so I give this a 6.5/10.
2. Pumpkin Spice Sudoku[2]
It goes without saying that the whimsy of fall has no place on a Sudoku puzzle. What can be fall-themed about a bunch of boxes and numbers? Apparently, a stock image of a pumpkin spice latte. Stop trying to be a crossword puzzle. 1/10.
3. Cinnamon Pumpkin Pie Deodorant[3]
File this one under: “just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” Look, I get the appeal of smelling like fall (a little cinnamon and vanilla body spray is delightful), but deodorant?? I don’t want my underarms to smell like baked goods. I don’t need to walk around like a human Yankee Candle. Also, what happens when you sweat? Does it smell like burnt pie? Too many questions, not enough answers. 2.5/10 for originality, though.
4. Michael Myers Water Bottle[4]
Hydration is important. So is fear, apparently. Nothing says, “I care about my health” quite like sipping iced water from a bottle adorned with a masked serial killer. This might actually be perfect in a gym setting. It says, “That is my machine, and you should stay away,” without the human confrontation of it all. Alternatively, use this to ensure a silent day at the library. Points for boldness, thematic consistency, and that classic drop-shipped look. 7/10.
5. Pumpkin Spice Flushable Wipes[5]
This one sent me spiraling. I don’t know what’s worse: the idea of pumpkin spice being involved in that process, or the thought that someone approved this in a corporate meeting with a straight face. If it was not satire enough by itself, of course, this was made by a company called “Dude Wipes.” I have so many questions. But also, I want zero answers. 0/10. Fewer men at boardroom meetings posthaste.
6. Halloween Vinyl[6]
This glow-in-the-dark green vinyl screams Halloween, but in a very curated, Instagrammable way. Side A, the “trick” side, has 2010s songs like “Bloody Mary” by Lady Gaga and “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry (is that a Halloween song?). Meanwhile, side B, the “treat” side, throws it back with “Monster Mash” and the Beetlejuice soundtrack. It’s the playlist of your dreams if your dream is a Forever 21 in October. Will you actually play it? Probably not. But will it look amazing next to your decorative cauldron and overpriced black candle? Absolutely. 8/10. Bonus points if your entire record player is just for vibes.
I hope you all enjoy your unique fall season with these miscellaneous items. Whether you’re slathering cinnamon under your arms, solving overly caffeinated Sudoku, or wiping your regrets away with some extra pumpkin.
Side note: In compiling this list, I have realized that the stores have decided Christmas is upon us this October. Stay tuned for a potential winter version of this listicle featuring peppermint beef brisket, an elf-shaped toilet brush, and, inevitably, “Holiday Anxiety: The Perfume.”
[5] https://www.target.com/p/dude-wipes-dumpkin-spice-flushable-wipes-3pk-144ct/-/A-91477419
