1L Softball Team Name Rankings
The first few weeks of law school are supposed to be fun and exciting for 1Ls. The stressors of finals, recruiting, and any meaningful responsibilities remain blissfully distant. But the brutal fact of law school is that we are all assessed on a curve, and the Law Weekly’s annual tradition of ranking 1L softball team names presents an early opportunity to reinforce that unfortunate reality. And I hope the 1L sections are as disappointed in their performance as I was.
Sticking to past precedent (announced by myself last year), my grading criteria are as follows: (1) general vibes, (2) inclusion and quality of both legal and softball/baseball puns, and (3) originality. And I again reiterate, yes, that means this process is highly subjective and arbitrary. But rankings are nonetheless final. Any misguided appeals should be submitted for adjudication by the Court of Petty Appeals.
First Place
Circuit Splitters (C)
This is a model team name. I have no notes, only praise. The pun is clever, and I always award alliteration points. And Section C’s masterful use of trochaic dimeter would make Shakespeare blush. Congratulations, Section C, on this esteemed accomplishment.
Second Place
Ferguson Farm Team (F)
I really like this name. It takes a true law student and a true baller to appreciate its subtle nuance. Its originality may remain unrivaled for years to come. But whereas “Circuit Splitters” would make Shakespeare blush, I fear “Ferguson Farm Team” would merely make Judge Posner chuckle. And I know what company I’d rather keep.Third Place
Involuntary Ball Slaughter (I)
I am going to be honest, the charm of this name was lost on me until I said it out loud. At first, I thought it was nothing more than a labored pun. Actually, it still is. But it is amusing to say, and its (I presume intentional) allusion to Slaughter Hall deserves additional points for incorporating a reference to the Law School.
Ambiguously Middling Names
Unfortunately, this year’s competition remains top-heavy. The team names take a precipitous drop off at this point, which is regrettable because it dulled my weekend while compiling this ranking. The names in this category are collectively “meh.” Not awful, but not inspiring.
Gunners on Base (G)
It is much too soon in the semester to self-identify as a gunner. That status is supposed to be revealed later in the semester when the question “Where is Section G?” is answered with “In the library” a few too many times.
Assignment of Terror (A)
I see the vision, I do. But this name is both overinclusive and underinclusive. Overinclusive because the addition of the “T” obscures the legal reference, and underinclusive because the name otherwise lacks a softball/baseball reference.
Section B Batties (B)
Hey there, Section B. I respect your confidence, and I hope it pays off on and off the field. Although this is an improvement over 2023’s “Sec-C Hoos” debacle, I am otherwise not sure what to do with this name. To quote my predecessor: “This name is kind of funny, though. But not really.”
Litigating Language Models (LLMs)
I like this attempt from the LLMs. However, the prospect of AI taking over my chosen career induces existential dread.
Almost Dead Last
Juris Dingerz (J)
Section J, perhaps unwittingly, committed a common but unfortunately damning error. Section J placed fourth in last year’s ranking for their team name: Jurist Dingers. Sound familiar? Of course. Section J But if criminal negligence can warrant punishment, so too can this oversight justify the ignominy of “Almost Dead Last.” But don’t fret too much, Section J—somehow, three section team names remain to be ranked behind you.
Dead Last
The surest way to end up at the bottom of any softball team name ranking is to open up Black’s Law Dictionary and randomly point to a term that starts with the same letter as your section. Seriously, where is your spark of creativity? Your zest for whimsy?
(emphasis added) (E)
To what? I guess this is edgy in a Prince "Love Symbol" kind of way, but I am not buying it. There is no pun here. There is no joy.
Hung Jury (H)
I don’t even know what to say that has not already been said. Except for this: if you are going to skip the fun part in creating a team name by choosing just a generic legal term, why not pick a term that is at least cool and intimidating, like Hostile Witnesses?
The Defendants (D)
This is perhaps the worst offender. This name could have been redeemed if an accent were added to the final “a” to connote Professor Jeffries’ amusing and iconic pronunciation of the term. But JCJ Jr. is not teaching criminal law this year, so the 1Ls could not have even known that. Instead, they appropriated the most basic and vanilla legal term and added an “s.” They may as well have named themselves The Disappointments.
