Cooking up a Festive Fall from Walter Brown Hall

Photo by Author

Ah, fall in Virginia. It’s that wonderful time of year when many students realize that their months-old resolution to “actually start meal prepping for real this time” simply isn’t compatible with having a law school schedule and the tastebuds of a human being.

Let’s be real. You made a whole lot of “protein-dense” Pinterest casseroles that were really 95 percent cottage cheese back in mid-August, and now you’re both sick of it, and nearly out of freezer space. The change in seasons means that you’re ready for a rebirth. A transformation. Rejuvenation. Plus whatever else those tarot readers on TikTok have been saying recently.

Trying out new and creative recipes is always a little bit daunting, especially when facing the possible sunk cost of ingredients if you happen to hate the final product. Luckily for you, we at Virginia Law Weekly have scoped out a hot new food market where students can locally source the highest-quality ingredients around, right from our very own Walter Brown Hall, all for the low, low cost of free (with regular tuition payments).

When you find yourself on hour five in the gunner pit, and your stomach is empty from all of the glucose being burned up by that big ol’ brain of yours, you may find yourself craving a nutrient-packed meal that reminds you of grandma’s country cooking. We can’t help you with that, but we can give you a recipe that uses fresh(ish) ingredients from right down the hallway to produce a meal in the most technical sense.

Ladle and Slander Stew

Serves 1, unknown calories per serving

What You’ll Need (from around the Law Grounds):

1. Microwave safe bowl (I prefer the rich, earthy taste of the paper salad bowls at Sidley Austin Café, but any non-exploding bowl will do)

2. Spoon (or bare hands, if you’re a freak like that)

3. 1 cup water (my personal favorite source is the bottle fill on the second floor of the library next to the books on Irish property law)

4. 2 tbsp ea. Minced garlic and onion powder (from the spice kit that any self-respecting law student keeps in their locker at all times)

5. 1 ½ tsp ea. Salt, oregano, black pepper, chili powder, thyme, and rosemary (seriously, if you’re not investing in the locker spice rack then what are you saving that summer stipend for?)

Leftovers from The Table:

1. Corn (Chipotle)

2. Beans (Roots)

3. Mixed vegetables (Milan)

4. Potatoes (Cane’s fries)

5. Chicken nuggets (Chick-fil-A)

Directions:

1. Add water, minced garlic, and onion powder to the bowl. Mix and cook in a ScoCo microwave on medium heat for 3 minutes, or until garlic and onion are rehydrated enough to form a fragrant sludge.

2. Add remaining seasonings and corn and heat on high for 1 more minute. The starch from the corn will give the broth a hearty thickness.

3. Add beans, potatoes, and mixed vegetables and cook on medium-high heat for 4 minutes, pausing to stir occasionally.

4. While the early rounds are cooking, separate the meat of the chicken nuggets from the fried bits. While it isn’t technically illegal to add the nuggets with the fried bits on, it sure does feel like it. The fry-less chicken bits will also help you forget the fact that you’re about to eat a microwave stew made from cold food that’s been sitting uncovered in a public place for four hours.

5. Cook on the highest possible setting for 10-15 minutes, stirring if you’re brave enough. If it’s not bubbling over and coating the inside of the microwave, it’s not hot enough, and the thriving salmonella colonies in the Chick-fil-A will live on in you out of pure contempt for your crimes against the culinary arts.

6. Walk at a slow-to-normal pace back to the library. By the time you are safely seated at your designated table in the pit, not only will this hellacious magma probably be cool enough to eat, but the flavors will have also melded beautifully to create a rich, complex reminder of the choices that brought you to where you are today: in a library, eating the equivalent of the Minecraft suspicious stew while bent under a lamp reading about the most efficient ways to get out of paying people whose lives you’ve ruined.

7. Serve and survive.

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Staff Editor — Emma Lawson ’28

hzk2ny@virginia.edu