People Who Enjoy Hope and Happiness & 1L Who Lost All His Teeth
v.
Daylight Saving Time
79 U.Va. 11 (2026)
Bohn, J., delivers the opinion of the Court, in which Berklich and Wu, C.J.J., and Boatright, Lozada, Lawson, and Vanger J.J. join. Moore and Koeppel J.J. dissent.
Bohn, J., delivers the opinion of the Court:
This matter comes before the Court of Petty Appeals at a dark time in America—3:45 p.m. The two plaintiffs, People Who Enjoy Hope and Happiness (“PWEHAH”) and 1L Who Lost All His Teeth (“1LWLAHT”), seek permanent injunctive relief from any and all operations of Daylight Saving Time. There are multiple concerns with the defendant’s activity, including softball safety, neurological concerns, and vampiric activity. Additionally, 1LWLAHT seeks damages for the costs of a full denture and loss of enjoyment of life as a result of lasting trauma caused by Daylight Saving Time.
To join in a lawsuit, plaintiffs must show that their claim arises out of the same transaction or occurrence and presents a common question of law or fact. Fed. R. Civ. P. 20. The plaintiffs state that their claim arises out of the common occurrence, "It’s literally dark all the time," and say this raises the common question, "How can we carry on?"
That’s good enough for us.
People who enjoy hope, happiness, and hating on Daylight Saving Time
PWEHAH seeks immediate injunctive relief from Daylight Saving Time by demanding that we immediately set our clocks forward an hour. Their complaint includes significant binding precedent in which this court has ruled against Daylight Saving Time, along with compelling citations to cutting-edge research. We appreciate the effort, but we don’t really need proof; we already hate Daylight Saving Time. See I HATE DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME THIS IS LITERALLY MY LAST STRAW v. Daylight Saving Time, 76 F.3d 1171 (9th Cir. 2025). See also Kate M. Spriggle, Isabella S. Piggle, Trinity W. Biggle, & Aaron H. Boggs, Daylight Saving Time Literally Melts Your Amygdala, 67(1) NC State. Neurosci. (2026).
Denturegate
We now turn to 1LWLAHT’s request for significant monetary damages. The facts are as follows: On Wednesday, November 4th, at 5:13 p.m., 1LWLAHT was playing shortstop in a softball game at Copeley Field. The batter hit what NGSL later confirmed was an “absolute rocket,” which unfortunately collided directly with the plaintiff’s mouth. 1LWLAHT contends that he could not see the ball because of the darkness. He claims that it was so dark, in fact, that his “life flashed before his eyes, but he couldn’t even see it.” He argues this injury would not have occurred but for Daylight Saving Time, since it is at fault for the early-onset darkness.
The plaintiff seeks $30,000 for the installation and future maintenance of his full permanent denture. 1LWLAHT contends that his dental work cost a very high fee because of his unusually large teeth. His dental records confirm this. His cosmetic dentist’s notes read: “Dude used to have some massive incisors. And super weirdly shaped, too—almost target-like.”
The plaintiff also requests $200,000 for loss of enjoyment of life. He presents two reasons for relief on this issue. First, the phrase “pitch black” sends him into inconsolable hysteria, which he emphasizes is an increasingly used phrase in light of (or perhaps we should say “in darkness of”) Daylight Saving Time. He claims he will have to live with this trauma response forever, and that it will impact “every day of the rest of his miserable life.” The defendant’s only response on this point is that the plaintiff is “all bark no bite… fr.”
Secondly, the plaintiff claims that he will never be able to “bag a baddie” as a result of his full permanent denture. He states that women are particularly averse to the “cardboard-like” taste of his false teeth, and will no longer go on dates with him. The defendant argues that “he never got any girls anyway” and therefore is not liable for his alleged romantic troubles.
Additional concerns
We find it notable to mention that the 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization People With Uncommonly Sharp Teeth Who Also Like Drinking Human Blood (PWUSTWALDHB) has filed a motion to intervene. Fed. R. Civ. P. 24. Their application states, "Ve vant to intervene for the sake of our kind." However, because it is 3:45 p.m., it’s completely dark in the courtroom, and we can’t really see the document. PWUSTWALDHB’s motion to intervene is DENIED.
Conclusion
Just to make it abundantly clear: we hate Daylight Saving Time. Plaintiffs' motion for permanent injunctive relief is GRANTED, and 1LWLAHT is hereby awarded full relief. All clocks shall be set forward one hour, effective immediately.
Moore and Koeppel J.J. dissent.
The holding above, whilst impressive in its logic and legal legerdemain, is sadly lacking in references to the proper literary and historical foundations that are inherent to the best of the Court’s opinions. See National Association for Equine Equality (NAEE) v. Foxfield 79 U. Va. 6 (2026) (“Jonathan Doe v. Benvin Lozada 78 U. Va 5 (2025), the dissent to Albino Squirrel v. UVA Football Fans 78 U. Va 7 (2025), Justices of COPA v. Public Interest Law Association (PILA) and PILA Auction Winner 78 U. Va 14 (2026), Administration v. 1Ls 79 U. Va 1 (2026), the concurrence and dissent to Koeppel, J. v. Beau Pribula 79 U. Va 3 (2026), the concurrence to United State v Cig Pro 79 U. Va 5 (2026), et cetera”).