Law Weekly Welcomes its 2025 Associate Class
Charlottesville, VA — The Virginia Law Weekly is proud to announce its newest recruiting class: a cohort of unparalleled talent joining the firm’s Charlottesville office. This distinguished group embodies the paper’s longstanding commitment to excellence in satire, dedication to free pizza, and fearless disregard for journalistic standards.
Recruitment is never easy. Firms have their OCI spreadsheets; journals have their cite-checks; and the Student Bar Association has whatever dark pact sustains its budget. But the Virginia Law Weekly has its own intake process: a mix of blind luck, bad decisions, and whoever was lured here by the promise of free pizza.
“This class is our strongest yet,” said Editor-in-Chief Nicky Demitry. “They bring a breadth of experience ranging from SBA whisper-campaigns to midnight meme production. We expect them to hit the ground running, especially the 3Ls we’ve finally won over after a two-year battle of attrition. Some call it a Pyrrhic victory, I call it the Law Weekly. At any rate, and in the spirit of Vault 100 firms everywhere, we are proud to announce our 2025 Associate Class.”
Incoming Associates
The Gunner Whisperer (Library, UVA Law) — Brings a unique practice in “translating indecipherable 1L cold calls into satirical haikus.” Noted for record-setting participation in Torts, where they asked and answered their own question.
Why We Hired Them: Their ability to distill a Contracts lecture into a single devastating one-liner (“This is just marriage without the sex”) earned unanimous board approval.
The Anonymous Source (Undisclosed Jurisdiction) — A specialist in ultra vires leaks, with prior experience lurking in SBA meetings. Joins the Law Weekly as Counsel, Information (Shadow Division).
Why We Hired Them: Someone has to feed us leaks about which committee is hoarding the last $47.12 in the activities fund. Also, an expert for the Shadow Docket™.
The Future Biglaw Associate (LinkedIn University) — Already maintains a color-coded spreadsheet of Law Weekly deliverables. Plans to lateral in two years to Law Weekly London but will bill 2,400 words this semester.
Why We Hired Them: Their insistence that our publication “needs a firm-wide recruiting strategy” sounded ridiculous, but then we realized that’s basically what this article is.
The Ghostwriter (Row 3, Back Left) — Known for their prolific Slack drafts and complete avoidance of in-person meetings. Joining the Publication & Haunting Practice Group.
Why We Hired Them: Every publication needs at least one anonymous genius who will one day be credited with “shaping the voice of the paper” in a reunion footnote.
The Court of Petty Appeals Clerk (Chambers of Petty, 2024 Term) — Expected to bolster the Litigation & Mockery team with landmark rulings on seating charts and hallway traffic flow.
Why We Hired Them: The Court needs fresh clerks, and this one already swore an oath to uphold pettiness.
The Pizza Purist (Domino’s Corporate Fellowship, Class of 2023) — Accepts no payment other than crust. Lateral from the Student Activities Food Committee.
Why We Hired Them: Eh.
The Former Journalist (Daily Whatever, B.A. Regret, 2020) — Brings actual reporting experience and insists on fact-checking, which will be politely ignored.
Why We Hired Them: We need at least one person per cycle who might prevent a defamation suit after our fifth attempt at photoshopping Dean Golubuff into a Succession promo (it doesn’t have to make sense!).
Practice Groups
The 2025 class will be split between the following practice areas:
Court of Petty Appeals (Litigation & Roasting)
Counsel’s Counsel (Advice You Didn’t Ask For)
Hot Bench (Trending Gossip)
Mergers & Pizza (Transactional Pizza Acquisition)
Looking Forward, the firm remains committed to growing its practice in niche areas, including Defamation Defense (anticipated), Bluebooking Evasion, and Humor Arbitration.
“We are thrilled to welcome this exceptional class of associates,” said Emily Becker, Managing Editor. “Our clients—students, professors, and unwitting administrators—can look forward to even higher quality satire, delivered on time and over budget.”
The Virginia Law Weekly is now accepting lateral applications for the Spring 2026 Fall 2048 cycle. Interested candidates should send résumés, cover letters, and two haikus about Pennoyer v. Neff to the Editorial Board.
