Fifth Annual 1L Softball Team Name Rankings
That glorious time of year when we rank the 1Ls softball team names has come again. Are the new kids funny and creative? Are they confusing? Are they simply ripping off years previous? Maybe it’s all of the above.
The criteria for judging 1L softball team names are as follows: (1) general vibes, (2) inclusion and quality of both legal and softball/baseball puns, and (3) originality. This process is subjective and arbitrary. If you have any complaints, I encourage you to write a detailed list of your objections on a sheet of paper, fold it up, and eat it. Any other appeals should be submitted for final judgment at the Court of Petty Appeals.
First Place
Better Call Ball (B)
This name has hit me in a personal weak spot—prestige television. Better Call Ball is a triple threat: a “law” pun, a baseball pun, and a pop-culture reference. The cherry on top is the alliteration. A very hearty congratulations to Section B, on your esteemed accomplishment.*
* My Managing Editor has encouraged me to move (B) down, to not double up on their Dandelion win, and to prevent them from getting a reputation. I think excellence should be rewarded, and, if need be, punished. Other sections: just know if you slash only three of four tires, their insurance won’t cover it.
Second Place
DisMissiles (D)
Clever capitalization saves and elevates this name. D is snapping at B’s heels. “Missiles” conjures up the kind of chartreuse rocket that every softball player longs to hit out past Massie Road, ideally coming to a gallant stop in the Forum portico. Dismissal is a sturdy and serviceable pun that anchors the imagery of the fiery ball, along with dis(miss)ing the opposing team. Nice work.
Honorable Mentions
Flight Risk (F)
I like this name. It is funny and clever. It stokes a little rebellion in the hearts of softballers everywhere. If you don’t watch them carefully, Section F is going to bat it out of the park. It doesn’t have the complexity of B and D, but there is an elegant simplicity and a moxie to this name that’s really good. Its connection to softball is just a little tenuous.
Expert Hitnesses (E)
Some letters are just harder than others to work with. “E” is particularly difficult. Transparently, this name gets points for favoritism and nostalgia, but also because I know how difficult “E” is to work with (see last year’s “[emphasis added]” and my own 1L year’s “Clearly Erroneous,” both coming in dead last). But this year, E does it all. Never-been-seen-before softball puns, legal proximity, fun-to-say-ishness. However, it does suffer by implying that E is merely standing off on the sidelines, witnessing the hits. Alas. Most improved, for sure.
Just Alright
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (LLMs)
The LLMs have been CANCELLED. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! (This is where their old name would have been. List to be updated).
– Co-EIC Bradley J. Berklich
Not Great
HearSlay (H)
We’re not gonna lie, this one is kind of weaksauce. Anyone who thinks this name could stand a chance against pun powerhouses like the likes of the top 3 is blithely unaware of the kind of competition we’re running here. Surely, the only thing being slain is H’s chances of topping these rankings.
Court Jesters (C)
This strays pretty far from the mark. It’s legal, but there’s some extraneous particulate floating around in the name. Though the clown-themed Dandelion performance was very entertaining, I’m not sure I want to see it on the softball field unless you’ll be hitting each other with ladders and having amusing incidents with buckets of whitewash and banana cream pies between innings (although that would be pretty great). The unfortunate nail in the coffin for me here is that “court” evokes basketball, not softball.
Dead Last
A Motion to Strike (A)
Using “A” as the first word in your name is cheap; there’s no way around it. You could have been “A Short Estoppel,” “A Coldcall Softball,” etc. “A Motion to Strike” is a good pun, but it’s simply not good enough to save it from the ultimate laziness of the name. I know this must be agonizing to Section A, delegates of whom came by the Law Weekly student activity fair table several times to vet their potential name. We can only say that we tried to maintain impartiality.
Gag Orders (G)
I’m sorry it had to come to this. Though there is such a thing as a gag order in law, and though it does begin with the letter “G,” this name is disappointing. It reads as if it was simply picked at random from the G page of Black’s Law Dictionary. It conjures up some unpleasant imagery of uvulas and red wiffle balls with straps. And, worse, it has nothing to do with softball. Are you ordering the other teams to gag? Are you being gagged? At the very least, you’ve caused this editor to retch.
