Phil Tonseth ‘22
Production Editor
When I originally agreed to write this article, I planned to shell my way through all of the reasons why turtles are underappreciated and make wonderful pets. Then, I played Stan Birch ’22 in Mario Kart and was hit with too many shells to be willing to subject myself to further torture of talking about turtles again.[1] Therefore, let’s talk about something everyone loves, carbs. Since nobody has really gone out to eat in over a year now, I believe it’s my civic duty to remind the masses which chain restaurants have the best bread that you can hopefully partake in soon.
10) Cheddar Bay Biscuits – Red Lobster
Personally, I’m not a fan of Red Lobster. It seems like an upscale version of Long John Silvers, except you eat at a table instead of in your car. Nonetheless, apparently their cheddar biscuits are delicious, to the point that they serve over one million a day. They’ve honestly only made this list because Will Mcdermott ’22 believes they’re better than both Outback and Olive Garden bread, and I had to publicly shame him for such a horrible take. On a positive note, their recipe is easily accessible so you can still enjoy them while being COVID compliant at home.
9) McDonald’s Hamburger Buns
This is a risky play here. Most people either love or hate McDonald’s, and those who love it usually only eat their fries. Their buns, while average, are highly versatile—ranging from holding hamburgers and chicken patties to fake fish thingies. Their sign shows they’ve served over ninety-nine billion sandwiches, which seems like the type of math I’d use to calculate damages in torts. I’d give this bun a solid, yet underwhelming grade.
8) Subway Bread
Welcome to the “great culinary-philosophical dilemmas of our time,” a.k.a. whether the bread used at Subway meets the standard for bread under Irish law. Spoiler alert, there’s too much sugar content per weight of flour in it, meaning per Ireland law, Subway sandwiches are served as confectionaries.[2] I’d argue the only sweet thing about Subway’s bread is that I can get a five-dollar foot-long, hence the volume per price ratio is the only reason it lands this high on my ranking.
7) Cheesecake Factory Bread x2
Coming in hot with two options, Cheesecake Factory is the surprise addition to this list. I’m not sure if anyone at the Law School has been to the Cheesecake Factory since middle school, but if so, it’s probably because their bread is far superior to their actual cake. Serving both white and brown bread and packing the leftover bread to go for you is a clutch idea.
6) Carrabba’s Bread and Oil
Sliced Italian bread truly isn’t anything to write home about, but the addictive herb-seasoned olive oil dip is what propels this bread up the charts. Although I never found Carrabba’s to be “fine dining” when I was growing up, like Leah Deskins ’21, the overall aura of their bread appetizer is quite fancy amongst their peers.
5) Zaxby’s Texas Toast/Panera Bread
For both of these places, they offer sides of bread despite the fact bread could be the vast majority of the meal you are ordering the side for (i.e. soup in a bread bowl, sandwich) . . . I’m not sure how to adequately judge their bread, but since both of these breads ‘slap,’ they deserve their elevated position.
4) Cracker Barrel Biscuits and Corn Muffins
Con: You have to request your assorted bread basket. Pro: Serving both biscuits and corn muffins, these delectable treats can be loaded with jam, honey, or butter and enjoyed while casually sitting back on one of their signature rocking chairs. If this isn’t the type of life you long for, I feel sorry for you.
3) Outback Honeywheat Bushman Bread
Sweet and savory. Soft yet crispy. A whole loaf of bread served while impaled with a knife on a chic cutting board. Having to compete with the Bloomin’ Onion devalues it to the general public, but this bread is nothing to sleep on. My biggest complaint is that they don’t give you enough, a.k.a. endless bread a la Olive Garden.
2) Texas Roadhouse Rolls
If I die of a heart attack by forty, it will solely be due to my overconsumption of these rolls and the associated honey butter. Do I really go to Texas Roadhouse for anything other than the bread? Absolutely not. Do I ask my waiter there to refill my roll basket literally anytime I see a waiter walk by? Absolutely yes. Will I serve these rolls as an appetizer at my wedding? You bet.[3]
Pictured: The most generous family you could ever have. I mean, who else offers endless salad and breadsticks? Photo Courtesy of en.wikipedia.irg
1) Olive Garden Breadsticks
Michael Berdan ’22 summed these breadsticks up perfectly, asking, “Are their breadsticks really great, or are you just intoxicated by their unlimited abundance, and the quaint Italian neighborhood restaurant atmosphere?” I’d argue all three, because when you're there, you’re family. I love you Olive Garden, please come to C’ville <3.
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pjt5hm@virginia.edu
[1] Mainly red and green shells, but of course the one time I was leading, Stan hit me with the dreaded blue shell of death.
[2] https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/oct/01/irish-court-rules-subway-bread-is-not-bread
[3] If for some reason, whatever woman that unwittingly decides to marry me reads this, you’re welcome. Everyone will love our wedding solely because of this.